Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

 

 16 weeks with Porter

22 weeks with Porter

The last picture of Porter living inside of me. 30 weeks. 

 Porter's first picture

 Daddy and Porter

 Mommy and Porter

 Our perfect little angle!

Love you forever and Always Darling!

My dear little miss tiny

Hello there miss tiny,

I wanted to write you a letter and let you know how much I love you. 

I love that you have assured me everyday that you are still living inside of me. Whether it is the lovely trips to the bathroom to throw up breakfast, or the little dances you perform inside of me.

 I have fallen in love with your cute little self since the moment I saw you on that black and white screen. That tiny nose. That tiny bum. That big head! :)

I love that daddy already says he loves his girls! It brings the biggest smile to my face. 

I love when people say you will be beautiful, because of course you will. 

I love that you already have made 4 appearances on that lovely black and white screen, even though one of them was not so happy. 

At 17 weeks I started spotting and cramping. Grandpa tried for 10 minutes to find your heart beat and couldn't. You scared me to death miss tiny. I almost had a heart attack.  Well we called Daddy and he came rushing down for an ultrasound. Grandpa found your heartbeat right away. 

You were just taking alittle nap deep inside of me. 

Such a little stinker you are. Just like your Daddy.

That's why I love you. I know you are going to be challenging me in every way. Thanks for sticking with me miss tiny. 

We are almost half way! February seems so far, but I know we can make it. I love you darling. Keep letting me know you are there and I will keep the faith.

Love always,

Mom

25

Twenty-five! I just had my birthday the 30th of August making me twenty-five years old. It seems odd being this age. I feel like I should be older because of all the life experiences I have gone through. As well as the fact that I have been married for over 5 years now. However, I also feel like I should be younger. When I was in High School, 25 was so old. People that were 25 were graduated from college....(I am), They were married...(I am)... They had kids...(in progress)...they had it together and had plans...(in progress).  I know to my parents I am still a young buck, but honestly I am 25!  Twenty-five means I am on the downward slope to 30. (which is not old, just more responsible and established then I feel.)  I do feel old when girls younger then me have one, two or even three children and I am still working on my first (I know Porter is my first, but you know what I mean). Honestly though I have loved the time Nate and I have had together and that I am a little older...maybe a little wiser then I would have been?? hopefully! All together, I am pretty excited to be 25. I had a fantastic birthday filled with family, friends, and happiness. Plus I received the best early birthday present ever! It was finding out that this little baby inside of me is a girl!!

16 weeks

I can't believe I am already four months along! Seems slow and fast all at the same time. The fact that we are having a baby girl still hasn't sunk in all the way for Nate and I. Whenever Nate talks about the baby, he says he, instead of she. I have to keep correcting him. It is strange though, going from being pregnant with a boy, and delivering a boy and having a boy nursery and boy pictures and always talking about our angle baby boy, to being pregnant with a girl! Seems kinda surreal. Getting in girl mode has been a big switch. BUT OH DO I LOVE IT! Thinking of girl names, and nursery themes, and bow and ribbons OH MY! Sooo fun! I can't wait to meet her and see what she will look like and be like.  Everyone keeps saying she is going to have red hair....But I don't want to get my hopes up. Because I will love her no matter what she looks like, (but red hair would be a fun surprise).  

Thought I would give you guys some pregnancy updates:

I am still sick....Yep, 16 weeks and still throwing up, but sooo totally worth it. My OB said that carrying girls is harder in His experience. Oh do I believe it. Still working on the weight gain, but He said it will come, and this week my appetite has been out of control. So I am sure I will start packing on the lbs.

I am growing! Bring on the baby bump! Some of my friends don't show forever and are super tiny and make me jealous. But honestly, Pregnancy is beautiful! I love big round bellies. I am not 5'7 and I have no torso, So I am going to show and show proud. So when I am 30 weeks and look like I am 40 weeks and about to pop, Just tell me I look beautifully pregnant :) Deal?

I just started to feel baby girl move yesterday!! I am ecstatic! I couldn't feel Porter move till 19 weeks, so this is a great surprise! When I had my ultrasound, the ultrasound tech said that she was super hyper and was moving like crazy. He also said that they don't open their hands at this stage and stay in a ball. Well baby girl made him a liar, because she was waving and straightening out and grooving with everything she had.  Just like her older brother.  Once I could feel Porter move, He never stopped. One thing that I love about my babies! They are crazy hyper just like their Mom :)

Baby girl and Mom and doing good. She is growing and is measuring great. Her head is a week bigger then the rest of her body (Thanks Nate for your huge head) so I am hoping that means she is really smart ;).

 I am going to see the specialist in 4 more weeks to get a game plan.  But for now things are just dandy. 

 I love this little girl, more then words can express.

Cast your votes!

Guess what....... Nate and I get to find out what gender our baby is on Friday! (well, hopefully, if baby corporates) We are soooo excited. We already have it all plan on how we are going to tell our families! Pictures and of course the revealing to come!

I am going to give you a little bit of info about this pregnancy compared to my one with Porter so you can cast your votes.

First Pregnancy (had a boy)

1. I got morning sickness bad, but when I discovered the amazing pill called Zofran at 6 weeks, I didn't have too many problems with it. 

2. Because Zofran was magic, I gained weight fast. 5lbs my first trimester.

3. I got headaches ALL THE TIME! It was rough.

4. I dreamed that I had a boy.

5. I felt like I was going to have a boy.

6. I carried really high.

7. I craved fresh fruits and veggies and In and Out. Weird combo right.

Second Pregnancy (to be determined)

1. I got and still have morning, afternoon and night sickness. Zofran isn't as magic as it once was.

2. I have only gained 2 pounds in 14.5 weeks. 

3. The headaches are alot milder. Thank heavens

4. I haven't had any dreams of baby. Just of baby girl nursery designs. (but I think that is because the nursery is already finished for if we have a boy)

5. I don't have a feeling of if it's girl or boy.

6. I am carrying lower.

7. I am still craving fruits and veggies, as well as Chips salsa. I can down a jar of salsa in two days :)

Soooo, there you go folks. Let the voting begin!!!

Hard

Today has been a hard day. I don't know why....but I am overcome with sadness and grief. I found myself holding Porter's little outfit and blanket, balled up on his nursery floor just crying. I still sit here crying holding tightly to the only things that he touched. His little preemie onesie that said "Thank heavens for little boys." It was too big for his tiny body. The blanket that we wrapped him in, with little elephants on it. Today seems to much to bear. I don't know why I feel this way now? I haven't felt this pain in months. I just know that today is hard.... and I miss my baby. I am so scared everyday that I am going to lose this little one inside of me. Sometimes the anxiety is too much. Pregnancy is definitely harder this time. The emotions are overwhelming. I am thankful that I have my Savior to carry me. I need Him everyday. I need that knowledge that I will be with my baby again, and that I will be okay. Because today, I am not okay. Hopefully tomorrow brings more comfort.

Is this your first?

It's a strange thing being pregnant when you have lost a child. Especially when people don't know you have already concieved, carried and delievered a baby, but you weren't able to take him home and care and love for him. 

I have been getting the question, "Oh is this your first" alot. It kinda throws me off. Do I really want to go into the whole Porter story with a stranger. I feel like if I say yes, then I am disregarding our beautiful angle baby. But if I say no, they then ask, "Oh how many do you have, What ages," Then the whole awkward, "We lost our first baby" remark comes up, then the awkward apology follows.

This is our second baby,.. But if we get to keep this one (fingers, toes and arms crossed) Then this will be our first living baby. So in reality I guess this is our First, Second baby (I stole that saying from a friend that is going through the same situation). There are going to be so many first when I have this baby. First time holding my living child. First time breast feeding. First time hearing the cries and sighs. So many firsts. However, I have already had so many seconds. This is my second pregnancy. Second time reading "What to expect when you are expecting". Second time deciding baby names and nursery themes. Second time taking belly pictures. Second time daydreaming of what this little one will look like, act like, be like.

This is my Second baby. But I pray and hope and plead everyday that this will be my First one to take home from the hospital and love everyday that the Lord allows me to!