Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Who am I

I have been struggling a lot with feeling hollow since I've had Lula...., like I am just the shell of the person I used to be.  I know most people would call that Post Partum Depression.  Which makes sense and meds would probably help but I am already on and have been on anti depressant medication for about 3.5 years now. I've tried different kinds and doses, and have found my "cocktail" as you may call it that works best to keep me...me. But for some reason, I just can't snap back to my normal self since having Lula. Those hormones have no mercy. Don't get me wrong, I love Lula to pieces, it doesn't have anything to do with taking care of my babies. (well, maybe a tiny bit) Just the change in chemistry from having them??? Whatever it may be, I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I feel like over the years of being married and having the stress of finances and relationship challenges (I assume every marriage has these...If you don't..that's weird lol) and kids I have slowly lost who I am. I wondered yesterday what kind of a person I would be if I never did get married or had kids...(not that I would change it for the world) Would I still be that crazy fun loving, organized, spontaneous, energetic, wake up early, take on the day, help the planet, spiritual giant that I felt like I was?? Who knows?? I feel like I used to be unique, someone people remembered. Now I feel forgettable. 

 I often feel like a failure with my kids, like I am not doing as much as I could to teach and play with them. I still try to do fun things with them, I want so much for them to learn and explore and be challenged.....but I am embarrassed to say how many days Curious George babysits while I lay in bed because I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

Getting ready for the day feels like a chore, and I am afraid I am turning into one of "those" wives that lets themselves go and never looks good for their husbands.  I wont talk about how long I've gone between showers and I am not even going to address how bad I feel about my body. That could be an entire other post (and I know my babies are worth my saggy skin and belly rolls. It still doesn't help the fact that I don't like the way I look) I am trying to embrace it...

I am also constantly battling if I want to go out when someone invites me go on a play date.  I almost always go, but the Katie 5 years ago would never even think twice about turning down an opportunity to get out and play. Heck I got my College degree in Recreational Therapy... thats basically getting a degree in Playing!!!!

Overall I still play with my kids. I still get the house clean.... It just takes me a few extra days to do the laundry and dishes. I still go out with friends sometimes, and still get all dressed up... on occasion... I still try to be happy and I think I am still funny every now and again.  I just feel like everything takes a whole lot more effort and a whole lot more time and will power to do. I do get sad ALOT more than I use to. I do get overwhelmed ALOT. I do get anxious ALOT. I don't feel good enough ALOT, but I am still trucking along, slowly. I hope that some mamas out there feel similar to me or this is just going to be way too personal and way too awkward LOL! However, by now everyone knows I am about as open a book as you can get.

P.S Sorry to the family members that feel uncomfortable reading this. This is real life.