Sunday, April 29, 2012

Tender Mercies

Throughout my life, I have been blessed to receive tender mercies from the Lord. He has blessed me in ways that I will never comprehend. I do not know why I have had the joy of receiving such sweet acts of love, but I am grateful for His listening ear and watchful eye. I wanted to share a few of the tender mercies that have happened to me the past year and a half since I lost Porter.

The day after I delivered Porter, my family and I held a devotional. We all wrote letters to Porter then sent them to heaven in balloons. It was a cold, dark, ugly day. I remember thinking that the day reflected my mood. As my family and I watched the balloons disappear into the sky, we notice the clouds started to change. Out of nowhere two cloud formations that look like arms came out of the sky and clasped the balloons with our letters. We hurried and snapped a picture of it. This is what we saw.

I was shocked, this was amazing! How was this happening. It looked like Heavenly Father was taking our letters straight to Porter. As we watched the arms retreat back into the sky, Something amazing happened. 

The sky turned a brilliant red. Almost looked like fire. In that moment the Hymn, "The Spirit of God like a Fire is Burning" came to my mind. I felt the spirit so strong. I knew that Porter was in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's arms. I knew that the Lord understood I was hurting, He knew that I need something,... something that I didn't even know I needed. He gave me peace, He gave me a Tender Mercy. Something as simple as cloud formations and a sunset. It was beautiful, and it was exactly what I needed.

The next tender mercy that I received, (Beside all the prayers, love and support through this whole experience) Was the necklaces I spoke of in earlier posts. Around Christmas time within a week of each other two kind souls sent me necklaces to remind me of Porter. Both with Porters name engraved on them. It had been over a year since I lost Porter, yet people were still thinking of me. What admiration I had for those that sent me the necklaces. One was from Nate's cousin. The other, anonymous. I made a promise to myself that I would try to think more of others, and less of myself. Those gifts strengthen my testimony in charity and how it really is the pure love of Christ.

The next tender mercy that I received happened this week. These past two weeks have been especially hard for me. Besides that fact that Mother's day is coming up, and it will be the second one without my baby in my arms. It was two years ago this month that Nate and I found out that we were pregnant. I had been praying for peace. Praying for comfort. Then to my surprise a package came in the mail for me. I open it up and there was a note from my dear friend Stephanie Thomas (I hope you don't mind that I am mentioning how highly I think of you) She said that she wanted me to know that she was thinking me this Mothers day, and hoped that I could receive some comfort from our Heavenly Father and my angle baby.  I broke down, I just started to cry, it had been a year and a half and she was still thinking of me and aware of my trials. This is what Stephanie sent me. 

It's called the Angels Embrace. It was perfect! Absolutely what I needed. A Tender Mercy! Suddenly I was taken back. I couldn't help but be amazed at my friend. She was truly showing me what being Christ-like was about. What a wonderful example she is to me. Again, I promised myself that I would be more diligent to think of others and their needs then my own.

I am so very thankful and overwhelmed by all the tender mercies that I have received. I am thankful that I have such strong friends and family members that can feel the promptings of the spirit. 

This week I was able to have a women come and photograph me while I told her my story about Porter and my struggle to get pregnant again. She struggled with infertility herself, and now goes around the country capturing other women's stories. She posts them on her blog to increase awareness and help others who are dealing with similar trials. What a blessing that was to have her come into my home and ask me to be a part of such a wonderful cause. She will have the post on her blog in a few weeks. If you are interested in reading others stories, her website is Go to labels and click on infertility and pregnancy loss. 

 I hope that through my story, I can maybe be a tender mercy for somebody else.

Monday, April 23, 2012

It hurts

It hurts that it has been a year and a half since I had my beautiful baby boy,
It hurts that I have to keep waiting to get to hold him again
It hurts that we had to wait six months, before we could start trying again.
It hurts that now it has been a year past that and we still have conceived a child.
It hurts that I teach sunbeams.
It hurts when I sit in sacrament around pregnant bellies each week,
It hurts when my friends get pregnant, have babies, and get pregnant again, yet I still haven't.
It hurts when people that have never gone through what I have, try to give me advice.
It hurts when I plan and give baby showers
It hurts when I play with my niece and nephews
It hurts when I do Well Child Checks at work.
It hurts when I am all alone,
It hurts when I have my period
It hurts when I read my scriptures
It hurts when pray

It hurts....

It is wonderful that I was able to conceive and carry a child inside of me. 
It is wonderful that I understand the Atonement and I will get to hold my son again.
It is wonderful the time I have had with my husband to grow in our relationship.
It is wonderful all that I have completed in the year and half since we lost Porter.
It is wonderful that I have a calling in Church where I can be so close to children and feel of their love.
It is wonderful that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
It is wonderful that my friends are so fertitle and get blessed with such amazing spirits.
It is wonderful that people try to help, and give me advice even if they make it worse.
It is wonderful that I even have friends plan baby showers for.
It is wonderful that I have a job, and get to hold babies almost every day.
It is wonderful that my body works and that I am regular each month.
It is wonderful that I have the scriptures to read that give me light and knowledge
It is wonderful that the Lord hears my prayers.

It is wonderful... Wonderful to me!