Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Is this your first?

It's a strange thing being pregnant when you have lost a child. Especially when people don't know you have already concieved, carried and delievered a baby, but you weren't able to take him home and care and love for him. 

I have been getting the question, "Oh is this your first" alot. It kinda throws me off. Do I really want to go into the whole Porter story with a stranger. I feel like if I say yes, then I am disregarding our beautiful angle baby. But if I say no, they then ask, "Oh how many do you have, What ages," Then the whole awkward, "We lost our first baby" remark comes up, then the awkward apology follows.

This is our second baby,.. But if we get to keep this one (fingers, toes and arms crossed) Then this will be our first living baby. So in reality I guess this is our First, Second baby (I stole that saying from a friend that is going through the same situation). There are going to be so many first when I have this baby. First time holding my living child. First time breast feeding. First time hearing the cries and sighs. So many firsts. However, I have already had so many seconds. This is my second pregnancy. Second time reading "What to expect when you are expecting". Second time deciding baby names and nursery themes. Second time taking belly pictures. Second time daydreaming of what this little one will look like, act like, be like.

This is my Second baby. But I pray and hope and plead everyday that this will be my First one to take home from the hospital and love everyday that the Lord allows me to!


  1. Well said. As always. And I feel like you paid good tribute to Porter. And good luck as you continue to figure out how to answer that question. I know it's a question you will deal with for life.

    And I know my struggle is nothing like yours. But I always stammer when people ask how many children I have. I always say 5. But occasionally I feel guilt not saying 6 because I feel like it is an insult to Dwight who is every bit a part of our family. I don't ever want to discount that relationship. And he means the world to me. But if I mention him then I am faced with the 5 minute struggle of trying to explain that he is not biologically or legally my child. But he holds the same place in my heart and he should not be overlooked. It's just one more situation that no one can understand without having been in my shoes. So to explain it in social "small-talk" situations is an emotional ordeal that I don't enjoy. Like I said, nothing like your situation and I'm sorry to compare them. But a glimpse of what you are going through from my perspective.

    Katie, I am so so happy for you. You are a strong and amazing woman. Thanks for letting me follow your blog and your story!

  2. I'm still praying for you. I love you Katie!

  3. i just read your story about porter..and it was so incredibly inspiring.. i left a comment on that blog. :) i love your blog its soo cute! newest follower!