Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Who am I

I have been struggling a lot with feeling hollow since I've had Lula...., like I am just the shell of the person I used to be.  I know most people would call that Post Partum Depression.  Which makes sense and meds would probably help but I am already on and have been on anti depressant medication for about 3.5 years now. I've tried different kinds and doses, and have found my "cocktail" as you may call it that works best to keep me...me. But for some reason, I just can't snap back to my normal self since having Lula. Those hormones have no mercy. Don't get me wrong, I love Lula to pieces, it doesn't have anything to do with taking care of my babies. (well, maybe a tiny bit) Just the change in chemistry from having them??? Whatever it may be, I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I feel like over the years of being married and having the stress of finances and relationship challenges (I assume every marriage has these...If you don't..that's weird lol) and kids I have slowly lost who I am. I wondered yesterday what kind of a person I would be if I never did get married or had kids...(not that I would change it for the world) Would I still be that crazy fun loving, organized, spontaneous, energetic, wake up early, take on the day, help the planet, spiritual giant that I felt like I was?? Who knows?? I feel like I used to be unique, someone people remembered. Now I feel forgettable. 

 I often feel like a failure with my kids, like I am not doing as much as I could to teach and play with them. I still try to do fun things with them, I want so much for them to learn and explore and be challenged.....but I am embarrassed to say how many days Curious George babysits while I lay in bed because I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

Getting ready for the day feels like a chore, and I am afraid I am turning into one of "those" wives that lets themselves go and never looks good for their husbands.  I wont talk about how long I've gone between showers and I am not even going to address how bad I feel about my body. That could be an entire other post (and I know my babies are worth my saggy skin and belly rolls. It still doesn't help the fact that I don't like the way I look) I am trying to embrace it...

I am also constantly battling if I want to go out when someone invites me go on a play date.  I almost always go, but the Katie 5 years ago would never even think twice about turning down an opportunity to get out and play. Heck I got my College degree in Recreational Therapy... thats basically getting a degree in Playing!!!!

Overall I still play with my kids. I still get the house clean.... It just takes me a few extra days to do the laundry and dishes. I still go out with friends sometimes, and still get all dressed up... on occasion... I still try to be happy and I think I am still funny every now and again.  I just feel like everything takes a whole lot more effort and a whole lot more time and will power to do. I do get sad ALOT more than I use to. I do get overwhelmed ALOT. I do get anxious ALOT. I don't feel good enough ALOT, but I am still trucking along, slowly. I hope that some mamas out there feel similar to me or this is just going to be way too personal and way too awkward LOL! However, by now everyone knows I am about as open a book as you can get.

P.S Sorry to the family members that feel uncomfortable reading this. This is real life.

4 comments:

  1. You don't know me. I'm not actually sure how I came across your blog initially but I have followed you for some time. I can't speak for anyone else but I can tell you that I have had similar feelings. I actually blogged about it earlier this month. You are not alone, my friend. Motherhood is so, so hard. I didn't think it would be. I expected it to be easy, probably because I fought so hard for it. We struggled with infertility for years, lost a few babies, had failed adoptions, and foster kids that went home and now I am finally raising my family. I didn't expect to ever feel unfulfilled or that being a mom wasn't enough because it was all I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but more than anything, I pray to find joy in Motherhood.

    I'm grateful you posted because it's always nice to know that you're not alone and very often I feel that way... My similar thoughts can be found here...

    http://abcmurrahfamily.blogspot.com/2015/07/eternally-blessed.html?m=1

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  2. You DEFINITELY are not alone Katie! I think as mothers we go through things like this quite often unfortunately. I went through similar feelings after I had my little Titus. Months of feeling so monotonous and pointless. Why get up and get dressed when I'm not going anywhere? Why do I have no patience with Kalia anymore? I clean the house but why? I also did things and went places but it took everything in me to actually do it, then all I really wanted to do was crawl in bed and do nothing and talk to no one. Unlike you I had no friends to do anything with though so that just added that I felt almost disposable, or like you said forgettable. It lasted months, probably 8 or more. Finally after much praying I found my cure. I decided to start each day asking myself what do my kids need? I stopped thinking about myself and how I felt and focused completely on my kids. It sounds silly because our whole existence seems to be about them, but for me at that time it really wasn't. When I learned that she needed exercise or sometime to teach her letters or to read her a story and snuggle things got easier. She was happy. Which made me happy. I got thinking about what I liked to do as a little girl and I'd take her to do those things, and a whole new light shined through her because she learned more about me. And I got to remember me too. I also prayed to have help to know how to raise them and what to do. Being a mother is the most important thing we can do in this life. Every monotonous day, every tear shed, every heavy heart has a purpose in His big plan. I know he gives us these feelings so we can turn to Him and receive help to raise His children to be who He needs them to be. And just as He's molding His little children, He's molding us. Wow sorry for the novel and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I sincerely hope this helped, at least to know that you're not alone. Things always, always, always get better. Keep smiling!

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  3. You are amazing. You are unforgettable. I think it is completely normal to question our adequecy as wives and mothers, and - if anything - it is this questioning that pushes us to be our best. It is an indicator that you care, and you want to be the very best for your babies and your family. There are people who do not even care enough to have those kind of stresses. We all fall short of perfection, in everything that we do... and that's okay. You are not alone. Being a mommy has got to be one of the most challenging jobs in the world. There are days when the only thing that brings me comfort is reminding myself that I could be doing so much worse. It may not be the best practice, but when i feel like this, it helps to think about the many, MANY poor parental examples I have had in my life; parents who yell, bark, and cuss at their small children and babies, parents who ignore their children and speak to them with harshness and cruelty. I alleviates some (or a LOT) of the guilt that I feel because Thane ate chocolate eggo waffles for lunch on the living room floor because i didn't have the energy to cook, or because I haven't worn make-up or a bra in five days, or because I ordered pizza instead of cooking dinner, or because I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to Thane banging on my head with a book and a mouth full of dust bunnies... You get the idea. I may not do everything perfectly, and I may not be mother of the year, but I love my babies more than life itself, and love can do amazing things in us. Cut yourself some slack... or a LOT of slack. You are doing the most challenging and important job on the earth by raising up your babies, and teaching them about the most important thing of all. Hint: it isn't shapes, or colors or the alphabet... it's love. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with your babies. You are worthy and deserving of gentleness.

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  4. It sounds like your "cocktail" needs to be adjusted. I hope you are talking to your doctor about how you feel. I hope you can start feeling better soon. My four kids are ages 17-23. Even now m house is never as clean as I would like, I can never keep up with the clutter and dinners are often something frozen that I warm up. Those were things that I "let go" to keep my sanity. I'm glad that when my kids were young the internet was not what it is now. I'm sure I would be comparing myself to all the moms that blog that seem to have it all together and do such fabulous things with their kids, and I would feel like a failure. I think life is meant to be hard so that we will seek for help from Heavenly Father. Good luck and I hope you start feeling more like your old self soon.

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