Porter's Story

Visit www.jackienorrisphoto.com to read about my experience with infertility and loss.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was hard this year;

Porter was not with me,

This is the second year without him

This was the fifth Mother's Day I have had without a child. 

It was three Mother's Days ago that we announced that we were pregnant.

This year I didn't have my Ward to support me, since we were visiting Nate's mom.  

I had to go to two sacrament meetings celebrating Motherhood. 

I had to leave the second one twice because of crying. 

It was the first Mother's day since my parents divorce. 

This was the first Mother's day without my mom in the same state as me. I didn't realized how sad I would be not to have her here with me. 

This week I found out four of my friends that have struggled with infertility are pregnant (which is so incredibly wonderful) I am just ready... So ready for my turn.

I was on my period! Talk about bad timing!!

Mother's Day did have some positives;

I recieved several sweet and tender texts and Facebook messages from my friends and family sending me loves.

We were able to come down to St. George and spend time with Nate's mom.

I received special gifts from friends and family letting me know they were thinking of me.

I was able to listen to my Father in-law speak of Motherhood, which was very touching

I was able to think of Porter and my husband and how lucky I am to be an angle mommy and cherished wife.
I was also able to ponder the Atonement of Jesus Christ and strengthen my testimony of eternal families. 

5th times a charm

Well,.......I have some news....Not the news I would like, but I think I am dealing pretty well with it.  Nate lost his job. Again,... you might say,... Yes.. Again! This is no reflection on Nate's performance, just on this lame economy.  This is the 5th time Nate has been let go from his job in our 5 year marriage. 

Nate and I have been beyond blessed with jobs. Each time Nate loses his job, he gets a better one. Although sometimes it takes awhile. Well, this time it is different. Nate started up a business last September but with school and work full-time he has not been able to give it his full attention. His business is called "Inline Striping" it is parking lot striping. When he has time to make bids,send them out to companies and win them, Nate makes around 100 bucks an hour. However, with all his time constraints this year he hasn't had time to do many bids.  We thought that when he was done with school, get could really go head first into this. 

Nate and I talked and prayed the day he lost his job and decided this was the perfect opportunity for Nate business.  Nate losing his job is actually a blessing. Now Nate will have more time to send bids out to companies and actually stripe parking lots during the week, instead of just the weekends. I am very hopeful that this is why Nate got let go from his job. I think the Lord is leading us down this path. Nate is majoring in Business with an entrepreneur emphasis. What better then to be working full time on developing his own business. I have faith in our decision; the Lord has never let us down. We have always paid our tithing and we have seen first hand how the Lord blesses us because of it. We just have to continue to do our part and the Lord with help us.

Some other positives about Nate losing his job is that he is home!!! I get to see him when I get home from work and on my days off. We have been very productive the past 4 days Nate hasn't had work.

 We redid our pantry

I forgot to take a before picture, but it was a disaster. 

These were our old shelves

New shelves

 Nate working hard

Ta-Da! Nate's the Man!

All organized

We have also been catching up on some US time. 

We have been going on Dates, Playing games, Making yummy food, Walking Mr. Oliver... Together! It's been great! I am just praying that Nate's business works out! I have a good feeling about it.

 

 It's the best being able to cook food together, and actually both be home to eat it!

Tender Mercies

Throughout my life, I have been blessed to receive tender mercies from the Lord. He has blessed me in ways that I will never comprehend. I do not know why I have had the joy of receiving such sweet acts of love, but I am grateful for His listening ear and watchful eye. I wanted to share a few of the tender mercies that have happened to me the past year and a half since I lost Porter.

The day after I delivered Porter, my family and I held a devotional. We all wrote letters to Porter then sent them to heaven in balloons. It was a cold, dark, ugly day. I remember thinking that the day reflected my mood. As my family and I watched the balloons disappear into the sky, we notice the clouds started to change. Out of nowhere two cloud formations that look like arms came out of the sky and clasped the balloons with our letters. We hurried and snapped a picture of it. This is what we saw.

I was shocked, this was amazing! How was this happening. It looked like Heavenly Father was taking our letters straight to Porter. As we watched the arms retreat back into the sky, Something amazing happened. 

The sky turned a brilliant red. Almost looked like fire. In that moment the Hymn, "The Spirit of God like a Fire is Burning" came to my mind. I felt the spirit so strong. I knew that Porter was in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's arms. I knew that the Lord understood I was hurting, He knew that I need something,... something that I didn't even know I needed. He gave me peace, He gave me a Tender Mercy. Something as simple as cloud formations and a sunset. It was beautiful, and it was exactly what I needed.

The next tender mercy that I received, (Beside all the prayers, love and support through this whole experience) Was the necklaces I spoke of in earlier posts. Around Christmas time within a week of each other two kind souls sent me necklaces to remind me of Porter. Both with Porters name engraved on them. It had been over a year since I lost Porter, yet people were still thinking of me. What admiration I had for those that sent me the necklaces. One was from Nate's cousin. The other, anonymous. I made a promise to myself that I would try to think more of others, and less of myself. Those gifts strengthen my testimony in charity and how it really is the pure love of Christ.

The next tender mercy that I received happened this week. These past two weeks have been especially hard for me. Besides that fact that Mother's day is coming up, and it will be the second one without my baby in my arms. It was two years ago this month that Nate and I found out that we were pregnant. I had been praying for peace. Praying for comfort. Then to my surprise a package came in the mail for me. I open it up and there was a note from my dear friend Stephanie Thomas (I hope you don't mind that I am mentioning how highly I think of you) She said that she wanted me to know that she was thinking me this Mothers day, and hoped that I could receive some comfort from our Heavenly Father and my angle baby.  I broke down, I just started to cry, it had been a year and a half and she was still thinking of me and aware of my trials. This is what Stephanie sent me. 

It's called the Angels Embrace. It was perfect! Absolutely what I needed. A Tender Mercy! Suddenly I was taken back. I couldn't help but be amazed at my friend. She was truly showing me what being Christ-like was about. What a wonderful example she is to me. Again, I promised myself that I would be more diligent to think of others and their needs then my own.

I am so very thankful and overwhelmed by all the tender mercies that I have received. I am thankful that I have such strong friends and family members that can feel the promptings of the spirit. 

This week I was able to have a women come and photograph me while I told her my story about Porter and my struggle to get pregnant again. She struggled with infertility herself, and now goes around the country capturing other women's stories. She posts them on her blog to increase awareness and help others who are dealing with similar trials. What a blessing that was to have her come into my home and ask me to be a part of such a wonderful cause. She will have the post on her blog in a few weeks. If you are interested in reading others stories, her website is www.jackienorrisphoto.com. Go to labels and click on infertility and pregnancy loss. 

 I hope that through my story, I can maybe be a tender mercy for somebody else.

It hurts

It hurts that it has been a year and a half since I had my beautiful baby boy,

It hurts that I have to keep waiting to get to hold him again

It hurts that we had to wait six months, before we could start trying again.

It hurts that now it has been a year past that and we still have conceived a child.

It hurts that I teach sunbeams.

It hurts when I sit in sacrament around pregnant bellies each week,

It hurts when my friends get pregnant, have babies, and get pregnant again, yet I still haven't.

It hurts when people that have never gone through what I have, try to give me advice.

It hurts when I plan and give baby showers

It hurts when I play with my niece and nephews

It hurts when I do Well Child Checks at work.

It hurts when I am all alone,

It hurts when I have my period

It hurts when I read my scriptures

It hurts when pray

It hurts....

It is wonderful that I was able to conceive and carry a child inside of me. 

It is wonderful that I understand the Atonement and I will get to hold my son again.

It is wonderful the time I have had with my husband to grow in our relationship.

It is wonderful all that I have completed in the year and half since we lost Porter.

It is wonderful that I have a calling in Church where I can be so close to children and feel of their love.

It is wonderful that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

It is wonderful that my friends are so fertitle and get blessed with such amazing spirits.

It is wonderful that people try to help, and give me advice even if they make it worse.

It is wonderful that I even have friends plan baby showers for.

It is wonderful that I have a job, and get to hold babies almost every day.

It is wonderful that my body works and that I am regular each month.

It is wonderful that I have the scriptures to read that give me light and knowledge

It is wonderful that the Lord hears my prayers.

It is wonderful... Wonderful to me!

Grace

I was able to go to a Relief Society dinner last week and listen to a wonderful speaker (Brad Wilcox) talk about Grace. It was so amazing to learn and grow as the spirit spoke through him.  I was able to grasp new things about grace that I have never thought about. Here are two of my favorite quotes he shared,

"Grace is not the light at the end of the tunnel when all is said and done,..It is the light that surrounds us and moves us through the tunnel"

"If God requires nothing of us, He can make nothing of us."

His talk really brought me peace and comfort. It helped me realize that when 2 Nephi states, "We are saved by the grace of God, after all we can do"  The "WE" is Heavenly father and me, Not the we as in me and everyone else. Heavenly Father is there helping me the whole time. There is never two foot steps in the sand. There is just one, Heavenly Father's. He is doing all he can do to bring me back. I am powerless without him and through his everlasting grace, little ole Katie can be back with him. He is everything. He loves me. He is always with me, carrying me through the tunnel. I love my Savior. I am so thankful that I have the gospel in my life. It has helped me through the many trials in my life. I feel his grace daily. I need his grace daily in order for me to endure to the end.

Trust

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously.  They are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be, requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain... This life is an experience in profound trust...Trust in Jesus Christ."

  -Elder Richard G. Scott

Read the Ensign, it is wonderful!