Thursday, February 24, 2011

Running with Angels

The new year brings about a lot of reflection on what you accomplished or almost accomplished during the past year. When I looked back on 2010 I find that I had one of the most eventful and defining years of my life. I graduated from Brigham Young University with my Bachelors in Recreational Therapy and minor in Psychology. I was able to travel to Italy with the love of my life and tour the wonders there. I had the opportunity to conceive, carry and deliver my beautiful son. 2010 was definitely the year of extreme highs and lows for me. While I feel like I accomplished alot, I look at 2011 and think... what is next. How can I improve myself or others if I am not a studious student or nurturing mother. I am at a point in my life where there are no deadlines or schedules. What do I base my worth on? Why can't things go according to plan?? I am SUPPOSED to be a mother right now. I should be constantly busy taking care for my son and loving him. What does the Lord expect from me now that he has taking away the only thing I want more in this life then my husband? As I prayed and asked these questions, I got an answer.
"Katie you always have value in my eyes. Think who you are, think of the girls you serve, think of how you are changing their lives." As I thought about this, I realized that they were actually changing mine.
I started working at a group home for girls 2 weeks before I lost my son. These girls are abandoned, abused or otherwise forgotten. It humbles me everyday to hear of their journey through different foster families, group homes and court hearings. I have recently started a recreation therapy group with them that helps them cope in healthier ways. I have found that by preparing my groups, I have purpose again. I am helping others who in turn are helping me understand how to mourn in healthy ways.
Because of these girls, I decided that I would start making goals for myself. I decided to really push myself and do something that I hated doing. If I could ask them to do things they didn't like.. Shouldn't I. So I told them that I had never run a mile straight. Well there was no turning back now. I was completely accountable to them as they were to me. After running 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks, I finally completed my goal. I ran a mile. Not a very fast mile, but a mile none the less. These girls have given me hope that I can make a difference in their lives and well as my own and I am so thankful to be able to work with them everyday.

Monday, February 21, 2011

4 kidneys?

I have been on a journey of hospital visits to determine what caused the lose of my beautiful baby. The Perionatologist (help you get pregnant doctor) that I am seeing said that 80 percent of still-borns have unexplained deaths. Because of this and the fact that me and Porter were very health during my whole pregnancy, she believes (as well as my whole family) that he just wasn't meant to be here and there were no problems. It is hard to think that I didn't have any contributing factors in his death, however I have gotten confirmation that I did everything right. Due to the mystery of all of this, I have been getting tests to see what didn't happen to help rule out certain things, e.g blood disorders, diabetes. ect.
Now for the interesting part. During one of my visits, I needed to get an ultrasound done on my kidneys. Why my kidneys.. well when you have a bi-cornate uterus (basically I have two, I know it is weird) you usually have other duplicated organs, and kidneys are most common. Well to my surprise I have 4 kidneys! They look like two jelly beans hooked together on both sides of my abdomen. They go from my rib to my hip bone. Surprised? I would say so. I asked the radiologist if I could donate two of my kidneys and still have two and he paused and said... "Probably" with a chuckle. I find this to be another reason why I am so unique. Katie Adams, The redheaded, brown eyed, 2 uterus, 4 kidney women!

Sunday, February 20, 2011


I have always wanted to start a blog, however I have felt that there was nothing of merit to mention in my life. Times have certainly changed for me and my little family. This past year has shown more happiness and sorrow to me then I thought possible. I thought I knew who I was... I thought I knew who I wanted to be. However, November 18th 2010 at 6:00 am my life changed forever. My beautiful Son, Porter Owen Adams was born still and quiet. No cries were heard from him, just sobs from his mother. He truly altered my life forever. Porter died for some unknown reason between November 14th-15th. This news was not only heartbreaking but it shattered my very soul. How could my baby die with just 8 weeks left before I got to meet him and hold him and feed him and love him. My beautiful baby was taken away from me, yet he was still there inside of me... How could this be so? I suddenly felt empty, lost, mad, frustrated, betrayed, confused and helpless all at once. 2 hours later the long delivery process started. I won't bother with all the details of Porters delivery, but what I will say is that it was the most painful, emotional, strengthen, inspiring, 36 hours of my life. Porter changed me forever. He taught me what it means to be a mother. He showed me that families can be together forever and that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me more than I ever thought possible. He showed me that I am stronger than I imagined. He showed me the many types of love that surround me everyday. I am so grateful for my son. Thank you Porter for teaching me more about myself in 2 days than I have learned my whole life. Thank you for being so perfect that you didn't need to be on this earth. You are truly special my beautiful Porter. I love you, I love you, I love you. I miss you so much sometimes I think the ache will never leave my heart. I still feel like I lost a part of me when you died, but I gained so much in return. I can not wait till I get to raise you and play with you and laugh with you. I am always thinking of you my precious baby Porter!
- Love mom