Sunday, November 20, 2011


It was Porter's first birthday on Friday. My parents surprised me with some daisies at work (my favorite). Because of the flowers I was able to tell several people about Porter and about how he changed my life.  I was surprised how well I did. I think I had some Heavenly help sent my way.

Thank you Mom and Dad! You are so wonderful and thoughtful. I love you so very much!

A wonderful lady made casts of Porters hands and feet at the Hospital.  His hands and feet were perfect. They give me something to hold on to when I ache to hold him.

My parents got me a beautiful glass box to keep his casts in. I keep them on a shelf in my living room so I can see them everday.

 Last year we wrote letters to Porter and sent them in balloons. Nate and I decided we are going to do this every year to honor and remember him.

We love you Porter, I hope you know how much your dad and I miss you. Happy Birthday my angel baby!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Not My Plan

I have been thinking a lot about Porter lately.  It is his birthday tomorrow and I can't believe it has been a year since I had him. A whole year has gone by and I am still here. I am amazed at all the love and support I have received this past year.  I don't think I would have made it without the dear prayers and comfort that surrounded me. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. Thankful that He knows me! He knows me perfectly, and knows what I needed to become the person I am supposed to be. I found this poem after I had Porter and wrote it in my journal. 

Not My Plan

My eyes long to see you
Now you behold Him
My arms ache for you
Now you know perfect Love
My ears yearn for your voice
Now you sing His praises
I desire to fed you
Now you will never hunger
I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet
Now you play at His pierced ones
I dreamed of years of love and laughter 
Now you will never know pain
I long to watch you grow and develop 
Now you are perfect
This isn't how I planned it, but I know He loves you and me.

I know we will be together again little one. I love you so very much.


Sunday, November 13, 2011


I am going to warn all who are about to read this post. I am going to be venting, complaining and mourning. This may change some peoples views of me, but I am reaching my limit. So if you don't want to read, feel free to redirect yourself. 

This week has been tough, I mean dirty, rotten, cry your eyes till there are no more tears hard.  To start off with, I had a head cold ( I know, boohoo a little sniffling and sneezing isn't that bad) but it has been annoying. Nate has been sporting a matching cold to go with mine, so our nights have consisted of tissues and pillows.

Our next adventure has been my lovely period.  It is very rude. Never on time and always showing up when isn't not supposed to. Well I was supposed to start on Thursday. So I took a pregnancy test on Wednesday of course, because I am antzy and excited. Of course it said no.  Thursday came, no period! Hurray, maybe I am pregnant,....Pregnancy test says NO. Friday period!!! Pregnancy test still says No!  Saturday morning,... You guessed it no period, Pregnancy test says...................No! I still had hope though. I had this feeling this was the month.  Nate and I really felt I was pregnant. I was having all the early signs and we were even teasing that maybe it was Porter's present to us since it his birthday in 5 days.

Mean while in the middle of all this my best friends brother had sadly decided to take his life. I was with my amazing friend the night her brother committed suicide and it was so incredibly sad. I can't express the sorrow that hit me. The pain I felt for my friend of 14 years was almost unbearable. I felt completely helpless. Nate and I cried and prayed that night for Heavenly comfort for my dear friend.  

The next day Nate left for a dirt biking trip with his buddies for a "Mancation", and all us girls had a sleepover. (and yes all my friends are currently pregnant, which is wonderful, just hard) In the morning we decided to get some flowers for our dear friend and her family. While we were delivering the flowers, I get a call from Nate.  He is hurt. He says hes ok,... but.. he can't walk on his right leg! MY HEART SANK! they were on their way to a Hospital but the closest one was 2 hours away. By the time they got there, Nates knee was bigger than his head. This whole time I was freaking out because,  
#1 I was not with him, #2 He is hurt. #3 I didn't know if I was pregnant, and #4 I was worried about how much the ER was going to cost. Well to end the suspense... Nate's Tibia was broken, He tore his ACL and ruptured his Medial Meniscus. Yep, My husband broke his leg and tore anything that was keep the top half of his leg connected to the bottom half of his leg. Awesome. Oh and as soon as I found out he broke his leg, I start my period. So much for having that "feeling" of being pregnant.

So here I sit. Two in the morning, typing away because I can't shut off my mind. Why does this all have to happen around Porter's birthday, that is already so hard.  Why is it so difficult to get pregnant. I am just not supposed to be a mother? Why is it so easy for others, who don't even want children, who abuse and neglect them, to get pregnant. Why do people that we love, who are so young, die?  Is Nate going to be ok? How many surgeries is he going to have to have? How am I going to afford them?  How long until we can start trying again to get pregnant.  Why does Nate, who works and goes to school fulltime have to be so hurt. How come life is so hard.  

Well of course I know the answers to these questions. God knows everything.  He love me. He loves Nate. He is going to help me. He is going to comfort me. He is going to send another special spirit down to me when I am ready. The Lord is all knowing, I just wish he could forget about me for a while so I can take a break from all the trials he is sending my way.  I feel like I have reached my quota. What else is on the list of things Katie needs to go through.  I sure I could have it worse..way worse..... a million times worse. I love the Lord with all my heart, I think I am finally starting to understand what Long suffering means.  I wish I could be one of those people that take everything in stride, but gosh darn it I am not.  Right now I am sick, not pregnant and envious of my many friends that are, and very emotional. I am celebrating the birth of my son that I didn't get to keep, and I have a husband that is sick with a  broken leg and torn ACL.  

Wowzers batman, I think if one more thing happens that will be the straw that breaks the camels back and I will be out for the count. 

Hopefully I will have better news and a better attitude on my next post. :)

Friday, November 4, 2011


I am Thankful for...

My Husband:
 What I guy. I mean really, he is truly amazing. Works all day, goes to school all night and still has time to love me unconditionally.

My super awesome friends:
 I am one lucky girl to have solid, true, inspirational friends.

My Health:
I can't complain, all my limbs are working, I can see and hear and talk and play, Run and dance and sing and love. Yup my body is Awesome.

My Family:
 They may be disfunctional, but they are mine, they love me and I love them. Go Juchau's!

My Home:
I own it, it is decorated cute and it is cozy. Hurray for a roof over my head.

My Job:
I have the opportunity to care for people everyday. Who wouldn't love that!

My Savior and Redeemer!
Words can not express the joy and love I feel for my Savior. I am nothing without Him and I am thankful everyday for the constant love and healing He gives me.

My Son:
Porter has strengthen my testimony of the Plan of Salvation and the Atonment of Jesus Christ.  I am forever thankful for Porter and that I am his mother.

During this wonderful season I hope that I can be more thankful and appriecative of my many blessings.