Lately I have been overwhelmed... Overwhelmed with the love I have for my children. Sometimes I still can't believe I am actually a Mother! I remember the first time I found out I was going to be a Mother. It was April 2010. My thoughts were full of nervousness and excitement. I couldn't believe I was going to have a baby. I was going to house one of Heavenly Father's choice spirits. Later, I found out just how perfectly choice he was. As the months past and I felt my little boy move for the first time, my thoughts turned to anxiety. There really was a baby inside of me. I really was going to be responsible for a tiny little human. I didn't feel adequate. I didn't feel that I was ready.
Then when I no longer felt my little boy kick inside me, my thoughts turned to fear, dread and panic. As you all well know, My sweet angel boy was taken away back to his Heavenly Father before I could met him. As I delivered Porters lifeless body, my thoughts turned to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I could have been bitter. I could have felt robbed, betrayed, alone.... but I felt.. Love, Peace and Comfort. My thoughts on what Motherhood was changed. I wasn't going to be able to tickle Porters little feet. Kiss his soft cheeks. I wasn't going to be able to chase him around the house and rock him to sleep. I wasn't going to be able to... Yet! I was going to be able to raise him. I was going to be able to hold and love and kiss him. I was his Mother! And although he had left this earth before I could meet him, I knew him! I knew him because I knew my Savior. I knew that my Savior loved him and me. I knew that he had faith in me..and I knew that He sent Porter to earth for such a brief time because he was so righteous.... so I knew that Porter had to be something special.
For the next 18 months I pondered what Motherhood really was. My thoughts turned from being anxious about becoming a mother to Pride that I had the short time to be one. I thought of what kind of mother I wanted to be. What kind of mother my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. What kind of mother Porter wanted me to be. When we finally got pregnant with Autumn May 2012 my thoughts of inadequacy were gone. I was ready for this baby! I was ready to be the best mom I could be. I thought that I was be anxious my entire pregnancy. However, thanks to the Lord, and modern anxiety medication (Wink) I was relatively calm my 33 weeks of pregnancy. After the surprise of my water breaking, and c-section delivery wore off, I couldn't believe I finally had a living baby. It didn't really kick in that I was a Mother until we brought Autumn home 6 weeks later. Having her home, in my arms, surrounded by pictures of her older brother... That's when everything really sank in. It has been such a heart wrenching battle getting my little family here on earth. I have learned that I am stronger than I think, and I can love much deeper than I thought possible.
It has been such a privilege to take care of this darling spirit that Autumn is. I can just imagine Heavenly Father and Porter talking with Autumn before she came down. Telling her how strong and resilient she is. She is bound to do amazing things, because she already has. I am so Blessed to be her mother. So very blessed to be both of their mothers.
