Rollercoaster of Emotions

What an emotional whirl wind I have been on this week. To start off I had a period from H. E. double hockey sticks. Headaches, backaches, zits and I was just a crying mess. It didn't help that Mothers day was Sunday. Talk about embarrassing, I broke down crying when the primary sang, when I saw the baby in front of me giggle and during every speaker. I basically left church without an ounce of makeup on. Plus last Mothers Day was when we told everyone we were pregnant.

I have also be super happy this week too.  Nate and I decided that since it has officially been 6 months since we had Porter we are going to start trying again!!! I am so incredibly excited and horrible scared at the same time. I want a baby more than anything, but I am so nervous about getting pregnant and staying pregnant. The doctors told me I am going to be monitored like 24/7. I am already at high risk because of my double uterus, but adding the stress of the unknown on top of that isn't good.  I am trying to relax but what if we can't get pregnant again?? What if I miscarry over and over again. My mother had 2 miscarriages. What if I have another still-born?? But... What if I have a perfectly healthy happy baby?? I know I shouldn't play the "what if" game, because I did this before we got pregnant with Porter. I thought that I wasn't going to be able to conceive at all, but we did just 2 months after we went off birth control!

I know I need to have Faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that they will bless us if we are living in accordance with his Gospel. I am so excited to start this journey all over again. I just hope that I can let myself relax and enjoy the process of "trying" to get pregnant :), and not stress about every little thing I do. LOL we will see how well that works.

The snowball effect

I started a goal of running a mile at the beginning of the year. I thought. " hey this will be easy". Well it actually took me a few months and a new pair of awesome running shoes (thank you 26.2) to get to my goal. Once I reached that I decided to set a goal of running a 5k,.. Why, I don't know. I even signed up and paid for one, so naturally I would feel guilty if I didn't go through with it. My date is May 17th. The 5K is called walk to run, all the proceeds go to children with disabilities.

Well today I accomplished my goal of running 3.2 miles (a 5K). I am seriously amazed that I ran this far, I didn't even get that tired, I had to stop because my knee hurt.  I thought that the 5K in May was going to kill me but now I have hope. I now have a new goal of running a half marathon..... I don't know what is going on with me. I seriously have hated running my whole life. I probably wouldn't even run if someone was trying to kill me, "just get it over with" I would say. LOL I am just that lazy. So having these goals is COMPLETELY out of the ordinary for me. Plus I just signed up for my first triathlon in June?!? I call this the snowball effect. I bought my first road bike a few weeks ago and I am in love! I am starting to enjoy running too.

Who would have thought, Katie the short legged, never ran a mile in her life, Katie would be excited about running everyday? Not me. I am so amazed how powerful our minds are. If you think positively and really put in the effort anything can happen. I know this is a little dramatic, but those that know me know what a pathetic runner I am. I thank Kara and Jessie for helping me so much on my way. I still have along way so please keep up with the encouragement and awesome advice. :)

I love to see the Temple

I am so thankful for the temple and that I can be sealed to my eternal companion Nathan Richard Adams forever.  He truly is my everything. I am so thankful  for the power of temple covenants that can bind our love throughout the eternities. I love you darling!

Thank you for taking so many adventures with me.  Now that we are coming up on our 4 year anniversary I can't help but think about all the adventures we have been on. In 4 years we have moved 3 times, I have graduated from BYU, We have toured Italy,  and conceived and had a beautiful baby that we will get to raise in the next life.  What an amazing journey we have been on love.  I can't wait to see what is in store for us.  I love you!

Birthdays

Today is a very special day.  26 years ago the man of my dreams was born to two amazing parents. I am so thankful that he was raised to be respectful, honest, caring, strong, loving and true! I am amazed at all he does for me and our marriage. I hope that when I become a parent I will be able to teach my children the strong morals and values that my in-laws taught Nate.  Thank you for all that you did and that you do for Nate! Today is special for another reason. 4 months ago I had my son Porter. He was born November 18th at 6:00am. He died sometime on between November 14th and 15th. As soon as I could feel Porter I knew he was going to be like me. He never stopped moving. He wiggled and kicked till the day I lost him. I could tell, even though I didn't know him that he was going to be special. I didn't know how, but I knew that something was different about Porter. Then I realized Porter was just like his Daddy. He is strong, valiant and true. So true that he could testify of the atonement without saying a word. So valiant that he only needed to be here long enough to receive a body. So strong that he could leave his mother and know that she would be okay, and that she would learn how much both Heavenly Father and him love her. I love the boys in my life so much. Happy Birthday Nate! I love you and I love everything I am with you! I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

Spring Break

It is a strange thing being married. I thought that being married meant that you got to spend time with your spouse. NOT! My husband and I are more like roommates these days. I get to see him for maybe 2 hours each night, if that. It is so sad. I miss him so much. He does so much. He works full-time from 7-4 everyday and then has school from 4-8 after that. Then when he gets home he has to do homework :(. It is a struggle for me to motivate him to do his homework and not spend the rest of the night snuggling with me and watching movies. Unfortunately I work most weekends and Nate doesn't.  So this brings me to my happy happy happy point. Spring Break is next week and that means I get Nate all to myself, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night! No School!! I can not wait to just be with him! He is so amazing and I feel that our lack of contact is causing me to become depressed!  He lifts my spirits with the amazing love he shows me everyday. I am so thankful for my husband and the way he puts me first. Thanks babe! You are my everything! XOXO

New Normal

As I was cleaning my house today I wandered into Porter's nursery. I just sat in the middle of the room and pondered how different my normal is now.  I never used to have random fits of crying or days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I never used to feel like if I wasn't busy every second of the day I was worthless. I never felt like my value depended on if I was a mother or not.. Why would it? I had never been a mother and hadn't been preparing for it for 8 months. Some days I feel like none of this ever happened. I feel like I am already losing Porter and the experiences I have had.  People that are just meeting me never knew I was pregnant or that I had a baby. How could such a big part of who I am now, vanish like the warmth after a sunset. I feel as though everyone should know what I went through and who Porter was. I find that through writing I can remember that time in my life and make it more real. It has almost been 4 months since I had Porter, but the sadness still captures my heart. The doctors said that I would be different, that I would have a new kind of normal. I can feel it everyday. My light is still with me, it just burns a different color now.

Loving ourselves

I have been pondering several questions as I have been sitting at work listening to the women that surround me belittle themselves. Why? Why do we hate ourselves so? Why do we constantly pick out all of our flaws and minimize all of our strengths. Why do we try to reach some imaginary perfection that no one can? Why do we place our value on our waist size or the length of our eyelashes? I associate with some of the most beautiful, intelligent, interesting, fabulous women everyday, but they are also the most critical! This ideal we all have for ourselves is not healthy. It affects our self-worth, our relationships and our happiness. Who wants to think about calories when you are enjoying food. Or what the hip thing to wear is when you go play with your friends. When did our interactions become so superficial and based so much about our appearances. Why do women only talk about food, fat and fashion. Lets be a little deeper. Reach alittle further into ourselves and talk about the real stuff.. the hard stuff... the stuff that we all want to but are to afraid to let others know, stuff! I admit I am guilt of be obsessed with my appearance. I am a women, I want to look nice and be attractive but to my own standards, not the worlds. Who says short legs aren't beautiful. Who says that my shape isn't the ideal shape and who cares. I am Kathryn Nichole Juchau Adams. I have my flaws and put myself down for them, but I am sick of it. I want to change. I am beautiful GOSH DARNIT! Who is with me?