As I was cleaning my house today I wandered into Porter's nursery. I just sat in the middle of the room and pondered how different my normal is now. I never used to have random fits of crying or days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I never used to feel like if I wasn't busy every second of the day I was worthless. I never felt like my value depended on if I was a mother or not.. Why would it? I had never been a mother and hadn't been preparing for it for 8 months. Some days I feel like none of this ever happened. I feel like I am already losing Porter and the experiences I have had. People that are just meeting me never knew I was pregnant or that I had a baby. How could such a big part of who I am now, vanish like the warmth after a sunset. I feel as though everyone should know what I went through and who Porter was. I find that through writing I can remember that time in my life and make it more real. It has almost been 4 months since I had Porter, but the sadness still captures my heart. The doctors said that I would be different, that I would have a new kind of normal. I can feel it everyday. My light is still with me, it just burns a different color now.