Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Angel mommy

I have been thinking about my angel baby alot this past week. I have been thinking about how he would be interacting with Autumn.Would he want to be rough and want to play with her... Be gentle and talk with her.  He would be 2 1/2 years old now. Wow,... seems so long ago, yet like it just happened. He would probably getting into trouble and being the cutest little toddler ever! It is crazy to think of me having two living children right now. I find it a blessing and a trial that we lost Porter. Nate and I went through some serious stretching and strengthening in our marriage. I became closer to my Savior. I mourned more than I ever had. I fought depression and anxiety. I found myself again. I figured out the kind of Mother I wanted to be. Porter changed me. He made me better. He made me more prepared for his little sister to come down. He helped me grow my patience. He helped me understand what long-suffering really means. He helped me understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and how absolutely amazing it is. He showed me that I have sorrow hidden deep down inside of me, that only a few can understand. He helped me appreciate every second of being pregnant with Autumn, although it was awful at times. He has allowed me to love Autumn with the love of 100 mothers. He helped me find other angel mommies, that have hurt as I have, and have experienced the joy of having another baby as I did.  I am thankful for his special spirit. I miss him all the time, especially now that Autumn is here. I miss the things I never got to experience with him. The touches, smiles, crys, diaper changes, late night feedings. At times I feel robbed. Robbed of the experience to be Porters mom. But then I remember that I am still his Mother. I still get to raise him. He is my angel and I know he is looking out for me and Autumn. Sometimes it seems as though Autumn is staring at nothing, but then I think... Maybe Porter is here, and she is just looking at her older brother; having alittle conversation with him. I love my two babies. What miracles they are.

1 comment:

  1. I've always felt like the veil is language. When you understand how learning to speak changes our brain and affects our memories, it just makes a lot of sense. So, I've always felt that meant that little babies still remember everything. They remember being in heaven, and being with our Heavenly Father, and being with all of those who have gone before us or who haven't arrived on this earth yet. I know that Porter is always with Autumn. I know he spent a lot of time telling her all about you and Nate, and how wonderful you are, and how much you would love her. I know he embraces her at night when she sleeps. I know he whispers truths in her ear. I know he is being the perfect big brother to her. Maybe God knew that she would need an extra special guardian angel to help her. And I'm sure Porter is there for you and Nate too during all of the scary times. She is such a lucky little girl to have such wonderful parents and to have a special relationship with her big brother!