Monday, April 23, 2012

It hurts

It hurts that it has been a year and a half since I had my beautiful baby boy,
It hurts that I have to keep waiting to get to hold him again
It hurts that we had to wait six months, before we could start trying again.
It hurts that now it has been a year past that and we still have conceived a child.
It hurts that I teach sunbeams.
It hurts when I sit in sacrament around pregnant bellies each week,
It hurts when my friends get pregnant, have babies, and get pregnant again, yet I still haven't.
It hurts when people that have never gone through what I have, try to give me advice.
It hurts when I plan and give baby showers
It hurts when I play with my niece and nephews
It hurts when I do Well Child Checks at work.
It hurts when I am all alone,
It hurts when I have my period
It hurts when I read my scriptures
It hurts when pray

It hurts....

It is wonderful that I was able to conceive and carry a child inside of me. 
It is wonderful that I understand the Atonement and I will get to hold my son again.
It is wonderful the time I have had with my husband to grow in our relationship.
It is wonderful all that I have completed in the year and half since we lost Porter.
It is wonderful that I have a calling in Church where I can be so close to children and feel of their love.
It is wonderful that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
It is wonderful that my friends are so fertitle and get blessed with such amazing spirits.
It is wonderful that people try to help, and give me advice even if they make it worse.
It is wonderful that I even have friends plan baby showers for.
It is wonderful that I have a job, and get to hold babies almost every day.
It is wonderful that my body works and that I am regular each month.
It is wonderful that I have the scriptures to read that give me light and knowledge
It is wonderful that the Lord hears my prayers.

It is wonderful... Wonderful to me!


  1. Oh Kaity, I can't imagine the pain you go through on a daily basis but I don't blame you for hurting. I would too. In fact, I don't even think I would be as strong as you are. I love the fact that you can see the blessings in everything that hurts you though and I think it's amazing how you can turn your hurt into hope even if it is so hard to do. That is what Heavenly Father wants you to do and you are doing such a great job. You are also giving so many other people faith through your strength and testimony- I am one of them. I pray for you and Nate and your fertility every time I say my morning and night prayers and pray that you are comforted as well. I also put your names on the prayer roll in the temple as much as I can. You are very loved and never forgotten about. I know I'm not the only one who prays for you! You are such an amazing friend, who could forget about you!? I just want you to know that I never do and I love you so much. Stay strong Radiant Red! You are doing the right things that will produce a miracle in your life. The Bible Dictionary says this about miracles: "...Miracles are the natural result of the Messiah's presence among men." (pg. 733) Keep the Savior close and you will have miracles- it is what naturally happens according to the scriptures. It may take time but you will have miracles. I think that your list of wonderful things you have made are little miracles that you have recognized in your life. It is a miracle that you were able to conceive and carry Porter, it is a miracle that you understand the atonement and will get to hold him again, it is a miracle that you and your husband have grown closer together, that you have completed and accomplished so many things in the year and a half since you had Porter, that you are able to have a calling in church to feel so close to children and the Savior's love. And may I add: It is a miracle to see how far you have come and to see the person you have become today because of you trial. It has made you stronger, not weaker, and that is a miracle because you are becoming more like Christ. Keep it up and you will continue to have miracles in your life. I love you and pray for you always. I am always here for you. MUAH! -Kaitlyn

  2. Hey! It hasn't been as long for me since my loss. It has only been 6 months but my heart hurts for you. I know how each month feels like eternity and getting your hopes up each month hurts but on the other side there are positives. I think it is harder that we lost our first babies because we had to jump back into reality and go work and not be able to stay home with our little boys. It isn't fair but yet we are able to do so much more! We are better from it and have a better understanding of things and of the atonement. I hope a sweet little spirit is sent to you really soon and if its not soon that your heart can feel at peace and you can feel comfort because I know it is painful and it hurts so bad.