I have been thinking about Porter a lot lately. It might be because we are coming up on his birthday... or maybe because Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 months with no luck...It could be that I just love and miss him as I see my friends get pregnant and have children of their own. (Which I am so incredibly happy for them, I just aching for my turn.) This past week has been especially hard. I have had crying fits every night. Thankfully my rock, my best friend, the love of my life has been there to hold me in his arms and just listen as I stain his shirt with my tears. He is amazing and I love Nate more than anything.
I have also found comfort in the journal that I kept while I was pregnant with little Porter. I was inspired to write down my feelings while I was pregnant in a journal, and I am so glad that I followed that prompting. I now have little pieces of Porter when I read this journal. I also recorded many of my feelings after I had him. I didn't realized till after I got home from the hospital that my dear husband wrote down his experience of losing Porter in my journal. It is so sweet and tender, with his permission I wanted to share what he wrote.
" Porter Owen Adams, Oh how I love you. When I first learned of you, I knew you were special. I didn't completely understand how having a baby would change my life. I never expected to have so many happy moments in a doctors office. Next to marrying your mother, hearing your heartbeat and later seeing you are the happiest days of my life. You have been growing on schedule and have not had any abnormalities or complications. We were expecting a perfectly healthy baby boy. We have been preparing your nursery, reading books, and watching movies trying to prepare for your birth. You were always moving, every night before bed we would feel you kick or move in some way. Mom tells me that you must have been nocturnal because you moved the most at bedtime. Porter, I have dreamed about you. I have dreamed of going on adventures with you and what kind of man you will be. Unfortunately, the last time I felt you move was Sunday. (Nov 15th) On Monday I had work and school and mom worked until 10:00 pm. Mom was not feeling good and was throwing up so we didn't notice anything unusual until Tuesday. Mom couldn't feel you move and was worried about you so we went to see the doctor at 5:30pm. The nurse tried to find your heartbeat then the doctor, but they couldn't find it Porter. Your mom called Grandpa Juchau to come do an ultrasound. It became clear to us that you were not meant to be on this earth very long. Porter, we miss you already. We know you are an important part of our family, and can not wait to be with you again. We also know that some of the greatest joys we will ever feel are through our children. That is part of why it is so hard to just let you go. I know you must be called to a different mission, but I miss you and long for the time when I can be with you again, I love you, I love you, I love you..."-Love, Daddy