This week has been like any other week (besides my birthday, hurray for making to 24!). I have worked for most of the week. Spent limited time with my Nate, cleaned, run errands, and gone to the gym a few times. Nothing of significance has happened to trigger the thoughts I have been having. However I can't shake the sadness I have been feeling over the past 5 days. I miss my Porter so much lately. It has been about 10 months since I lost him yet sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.
I just now realized that I have stopped praying for help, for comfort and healing. I figured it has almost been a year. Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 4 months and I should be past the grieving period. I do just fine talking to people about him, I even welcome it. But it is in the little things that I feel Porter and long for him.
I didn't realized trying to get pregnant would bring up so many emotions in me. I find myself holding my stomach when I am talking to someone pregnant, or sitting next to couples in my ward with newborns. I think I am still trying to be the strong one, the one that comforts everyone else, when really I need to rely more on my Heavenly Father. I need to ask him for strength, even if I think I "should" be good by now. I don't know why this week has been so hard and emotional for me, but I know that I am not alone and that Porter is not alone. We will be together again, and until then I will be doing by best to earn the privilege to live with him again.