Saturday, September 3, 2011

My Porter

This week has been like any other week (besides my birthday, hurray for making to 24!). I have worked for most of the week. Spent limited time with my Nate, cleaned, run errands, and gone to the gym a few times. Nothing of significance has happened to trigger the thoughts I have been having. However I can't shake the sadness I have been feeling over the past 5 days. I miss my Porter so much lately. It has been about 10 months since I lost him yet sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.

I just now realized that I have stopped praying for help, for comfort and healing. I figured it has almost been a year. Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 4 months and I should be past the grieving period. I do just fine talking to people about him, I even welcome it. But it is in the little things that I feel Porter and long for him. 

I didn't realized trying to get pregnant would bring up so many emotions in me. I find myself holding my stomach  when I am talking to someone pregnant, or sitting next to couples in my ward with newborns.  I think I am still trying to be the strong one, the one that comforts everyone else, when really I need to rely more on my Heavenly Father. I need to ask him for strength, even if I think I "should" be good by now. I don't know why this week has been so hard and emotional for me, but I know that I am not alone and that Porter is not alone. We will be together again, and until then I will be doing by best to earn the privilege to live with him again.


  1. I feel like I have no right to comment on this blog post. But I am always amazed by how this whole thing works. I have to pray constantly (daily) for help and comfort because I cannot understand why Heavenly Father thinks I am capable of my "challenge." Parenting terrifies me. And Brandon and I felt strongly that one or two children would be more than we could handle. Yet this is apparently an area where we need to do a LOT of learning and growing. Parenting must be one of those areas where He knows you are already strong and do not need as much practice. I don't know what I am trying to say. Except that life has a really strange way of giving each of us the opposite of what we think we need or want. Hang in there, Katie. He is aware of you and His time table is ultimately going to be what's best.

  2. Hey Katie, I know I don't know anything about this, but I have a friend who lost her son to SIDS seven years ago and she writes a popular blog about lots of things, but she talks about how hard it has been on her with Matthew's death. If you want, I can probably hook you up with her email address if you want someone else to talk to about it. Or it's probably on her site. In any case, I'm here if you need me.

  3. Miss Katie! I stumbled upon your blog, and I'm glad I found it! I just want you to know that even though it's been ages, I love you dearly. I've been obsessed with this song that someone showed me by the Gabe Dixon band. It's called "All will be well." One of the lyrics says "All will be well, you can ask me how, but only time will tell." It's already been such a comfort to me to really believe this with things that I've been going through (I know this concept is all over the scriptures as well). But just stay close to what you know it right and good and it will all work out in time. I love very much :)

  4. I think about you often and love you!

    My friend, Shelley, just lost her baby at 41weeks pregnant. She wrote her experience here: Breaks my heart