Birthdays

Today is a very special day.  26 years ago the man of my dreams was born to two amazing parents. I am so thankful that he was raised to be respectful, honest, caring, strong, loving and true! I am amazed at all he does for me and our marriage. I hope that when I become a parent I will be able to teach my children the strong morals and values that my in-laws taught Nate.  Thank you for all that you did and that you do for Nate! Today is special for another reason. 4 months ago I had my son Porter. He was born November 18th at 6:00am. He died sometime on between November 14th and 15th. As soon as I could feel Porter I knew he was going to be like me. He never stopped moving. He wiggled and kicked till the day I lost him. I could tell, even though I didn't know him that he was going to be special. I didn't know how, but I knew that something was different about Porter. Then I realized Porter was just like his Daddy. He is strong, valiant and true. So true that he could testify of the atonement without saying a word. So valiant that he only needed to be here long enough to receive a body. So strong that he could leave his mother and know that she would be okay, and that she would learn how much both Heavenly Father and him love her. I love the boys in my life so much. Happy Birthday Nate! I love you and I love everything I am with you! I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

Spring Break

It is a strange thing being married. I thought that being married meant that you got to spend time with your spouse. NOT! My husband and I are more like roommates these days. I get to see him for maybe 2 hours each night, if that. It is so sad. I miss him so much. He does so much. He works full-time from 7-4 everyday and then has school from 4-8 after that. Then when he gets home he has to do homework :(. It is a struggle for me to motivate him to do his homework and not spend the rest of the night snuggling with me and watching movies. Unfortunately I work most weekends and Nate doesn't.  So this brings me to my happy happy happy point. Spring Break is next week and that means I get Nate all to myself, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night! No School!! I can not wait to just be with him! He is so amazing and I feel that our lack of contact is causing me to become depressed!  He lifts my spirits with the amazing love he shows me everyday. I am so thankful for my husband and the way he puts me first. Thanks babe! You are my everything! XOXO

New Normal

As I was cleaning my house today I wandered into Porter's nursery. I just sat in the middle of the room and pondered how different my normal is now.  I never used to have random fits of crying or days that I didn't want to get out of bed. I never used to feel like if I wasn't busy every second of the day I was worthless. I never felt like my value depended on if I was a mother or not.. Why would it? I had never been a mother and hadn't been preparing for it for 8 months. Some days I feel like none of this ever happened. I feel like I am already losing Porter and the experiences I have had.  People that are just meeting me never knew I was pregnant or that I had a baby. How could such a big part of who I am now, vanish like the warmth after a sunset. I feel as though everyone should know what I went through and who Porter was. I find that through writing I can remember that time in my life and make it more real. It has almost been 4 months since I had Porter, but the sadness still captures my heart. The doctors said that I would be different, that I would have a new kind of normal. I can feel it everyday. My light is still with me, it just burns a different color now.

Loving ourselves

I have been pondering several questions as I have been sitting at work listening to the women that surround me belittle themselves. Why? Why do we hate ourselves so? Why do we constantly pick out all of our flaws and minimize all of our strengths. Why do we try to reach some imaginary perfection that no one can? Why do we place our value on our waist size or the length of our eyelashes? I associate with some of the most beautiful, intelligent, interesting, fabulous women everyday, but they are also the most critical! This ideal we all have for ourselves is not healthy. It affects our self-worth, our relationships and our happiness. Who wants to think about calories when you are enjoying food. Or what the hip thing to wear is when you go play with your friends. When did our interactions become so superficial and based so much about our appearances. Why do women only talk about food, fat and fashion. Lets be a little deeper. Reach alittle further into ourselves and talk about the real stuff.. the hard stuff... the stuff that we all want to but are to afraid to let others know, stuff! I admit I am guilt of be obsessed with my appearance. I am a women, I want to look nice and be attractive but to my own standards, not the worlds. Who says short legs aren't beautiful. Who says that my shape isn't the ideal shape and who cares. I am Kathryn Nichole Juchau Adams. I have my flaws and put myself down for them, but I am sick of it. I want to change. I am beautiful GOSH DARNIT! Who is with me?