My little Valentine

Oh how I love you my darling little Autumn!

I love your coos,

I love your twitches when you sleep

I love your squeaks

I love your milk drunk face

I love that you sigh as you nurse

I love your beautiful big eyes

I love your strong little neck, always trying to look up at me

I love that you calm down when daddy holds you

I love that you love tummy time

I love that your hands are always out stretched

I love that you chose me

I love that your mine!

Happy Valentines Day Autumn!

I LOVE YOU!

Letters to Autumn

At my baby shower my dear friend Corinna asked my amazing husband to write a letter to Autumn and give it to me as a present. Nate also wrote a letter from Porter to Autumn. They are so tender that I had to share.

Letter from Nate:

Autumn,

My lovely daughter, I wanted you to know how much your mother and I treasure you. You have been alive in the NICU for the past eight days. We have missed you every minute we are not together.  Each chance we get to see or hold you makes us so incredibly happy.  Your family has been into see you too, and they all love you. You surprised mom and I by coming early, but we are so grateful to see your beautiful face and touch your sweet little hands and feet.  We know that you have already had some struggles, and will likely have more through your life; but we want you know that we are here to help you, and answer all your questions.  We know we will make mistakes, but we will do our best to take care of you, and do what is best for you.  Please be patient with us, and remember that we always love you.

Love,

Dad.

Letter from Porter:

Dear Autumn,

My name is Porter. I came to visit mom and dad two years before you were born.  I am your older brother.  Your dad always thought every girl ought to have an older brother, and you do.  Unfortunately, my stay here was cut short.  I wanted to tell you a few things I learned while I was here.  First, you have a Heavenly Father that loves you.  He put your parents here to watch over and protect you.  They love you very much.  You should also know that I love you, and am always here to listen and help you.  I never got to see mom and dad face to face, so treasure them as they will you. When you need comfort, remember that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there to listen, as am I. I can not wait to be back together again. I love you Autumn!

Love your older brother,
Porter Owen Adams

Here is a letter that I wrote when Autumn was born:

My dearest Autumn,

I thought this day would never come. I finally have you! You are my baby girl and I am your mother! I am so overcome with the love I have for you.  I miss you every second of the day that I am not with you. You are so beautiful my darling. Such a strong person already. My little fighter. I am so thankful to our Father in Heaven that he blessed me with such a special child. You have such an adorable spirit. So bright, so feisty! I can not wait till we get to take you home and snuggle you all day! I hope you know how much I love you. Autumn you are my miracle. You are so loved by so many people. I know that you are going to accomplish amazing things. Remember that you are a daughter of God. You are a princess of the most High King and He loves you more than anything. Please excuse my faults as I have many. Be patient with me and I will do my best to give you all that you could ever need. I love you my little miss tiny!

Love always,

Mom

2 weeks old

Autumn is 2 weeks old!

Here are some facts about my little miss tiny:

She is a super star at sucking on her binkie!

She loves to arch her back and stick her bum out when she is getting picked up or when she is mad.

She has super big eyes that are super alert and the nurses say she likes to watch everything they do. 

She is off IV fluids and just on breast milk.
 

She tried breastfeeding today, and latched on first try, but then fell asleep.  
 

She is growing like a weed, She is up to 4lbs 2oz and 17 inches long!

She is went from 6 liters of oxygen to 1/4 of a liter in two days! What a champ!
 

She doesn't like when you move her fast. She tends to spit up or barf if you do.
 (Preemies struggle with over stimulation. Too much light, sound, or movement bothers them and can cause, hiccups, throwing up or flailing)

 
She always wakes up when Nate and I come to visit her!
(Which I love, because she recognizes us)
 

She loves to keep her hands out stretched and hold her own hands.

Her respirations go down when we do skin to skin

 (which is good, because that means she is relaxed)

Her fingers are crazy long.

Her hair color is still a mystery.
 (could be blonde...might be red, might turn brown...I am still hoping for red)

 When she sneezes, she does it like 10 times. 

She is an awesome sleeper, (so the nurses tell me)

She squeaks when she sleeps and it is the cutiest noise I have ever heard.

She is amazing and wonderful and perfect!

Autumn's Arrival

Well hello world, My name is Autumn Elizabeth Adams and I decided at 1:30 on January 3, 2013 that I was done cooking in mommy's tummy. I was getting really uncomfortable in such confided quarters and with all of that extra fluid pushing in on me I thought I would push back. This was giving mom some pretty bad rib pain, so she decided to leave work early to go to the physical therapist. She thought that I had pushed a rib out of place, but once she got to Peak Physical Therapy in Spanish Fork, I let her know that time was up and I wanted out. I broke moms water and gave her quite the surprise. Mom had to rush into the bathroom so she didn't get amniotic fluid everywhere. After dad came in the bathroom to help mom clean up and change into some huge basketball shorts they had at the physical therapist's office, they called the Doctor and off we flew to Utah Valley Hospital. Mom started crying and shaking alot because I wasn't moving. But I was just relaxing waiting to see her. Once we arrived at the Hospital, they hooked mom up to the monitors to check me out. They ordered some steroids and antibiotics for me to help my lungs develop and said they would monitor me for 24 hours and then give me more steroids. Apparently I didn't make myself clear that I was ready to see my mommy. About an hour after we got to the hospital my heart rate started to tank and they had rushed mom and I into surgery.  Mom did pretty well during the C-section until I came out. My cord was wrapped around my neck and I was all blue. They didn't let me see mommy and I think that is why she started having a panic attack.  While they were cleaning me up, mom started trying to get up to see me and wouldn't calm down. I heard that she almost pulled the curtain down and grabbed her Doctor's bum! They ended up giving her some medicine that knocked her out so they could finish sewing her up.  When mommy came too about 30 minutes later, they said she would have to wait another hour to see me.  I was struggling to breath and they had to hook me up to a ventilator and put a breathing tube down my throat. I did not like that..... one bit! I kept trying to take it out, but the nurses wouldn't let me. They said I was as feisty as a hornet.  I had to get the same medicine mommy got to calm me down. Mom was able to see me for a minute once I was calm, but she was still all numb from surgery, so she didn't get a good look from her bed. The next morning after she was up all night worrying about me and trying to pump, she was able to walk up and see me. I was still sedated and hooked up to the machines, but I knew she was there. We talked and made a goal that I would do my best to be strong and mommy would do everything she could to help me and stay strong herself.  After about 36 hours of being on the ventilator, the Neonatologist decided I was doing well enough to put me on a C-pap machine. I am glad to have that big tube out of my mouth, but now I have a big mask over my head that puffs air into my nose and down into my lungs, since I am having a tough time keeping them inflated on my own. It startles me on occasion but I am doing better at staying calm now. I just rest and wait to see mom every couple of hours.  Today I was so wide awake for her.  I wanted to tell her that I loved her. I could tell she knew.  We had another talk and even though mommy has to go home in the morning and I have to stay in the NICU, she is going to come see me everyday. I just have to relax and focus on getting strong. I am just glad that I can finally see mommy, and tomorrow she might even get to hold me! That's our next goal! Until then I am just working hard on breathing and growing and being loved by my mom and dad!

Baby girl update

I saw my Perinatologist on Thursday to check up on miss tiny.  I love that I get to see her so often.  She is doing great. She is still in the 29th percentile, but she has been that consistently. So she growing, she is just little (which is to be expected since I am not very big myself......well....except for as of lately.)  We found out that she has some hair! Which is sooo super exciting since Nate and I were balled as bowling balls when we were born. I am excited to actually see what color her hair is. We are all still betting the farm she is a redhead, but I will be happy with any hair. Heck, just put her in my arms alive and healthy and I will be the happiest mommy ever! Well, while we were at the Perinatologist I had a few concerns. When I was pregnant with Porter I never had contractions or pains or pressure. He was really high, and I had the heartburn to prove it. So during the past few weeks when I was having a lot of pressure down low, weird pains and aches I thought I would bring it up to my Doctor.  I talked to my OB and my Dad and they said it was probably just round ligament pain. That my ligaments were stretching out to make room for baby.  But honestly this pressure felt like more than just my ligaments. It felt and still feels like a 30 pound weight is sitting on my cervix. At my last Perinatology appointment they said I had some extra amniotic fluid but they didn't give me a number.  They made sure I didn't have Gestational Diabetes, (which I don't, thank goodness) and they checked miss tiny's kidneys and bladder to make sure they were working properly.  Having extra fluid could mean she isn't swallowing or peeing right. Or that there was something wrong with her kidneys. Well, after I was checked 3 weeks ago, baby looked good, so they said it's just an abnormality. Since that appointment the pressure and pain had been getting worse. If I laid down, I couldn't breath, If I sat for too long I can't get up. I was really concerned that maybe I was having contractions and just didn't know what they felt like. Well at my visit a few days ago they measured  my amniotic fluid again. They told me normal is 8-18 cm.  High is 22 cm. Can you guess what mine is....27 cm.  Which means that I have 2 to 3 times the amniotic fluid that a normal women at 32 weeks has. So instead of 2 pounds of fluid in my uterus, I have about 4-5 pounds.  This extra fluid is putting A TON of pressure on my cervix. Thankfully, my cervix is awesome! LOL, it is long, 1.47 cm, (which I guess is good) thick and hard as a rock. So this provides a great barrier to keep baby in. Thank goodness for that or else they would be sticking a needle in my uterus every week to drain the extra fluid out.  So although they don't have to do any draining right now, it is still very uncomfortable. My doctor said I am probably twice as uncomfortable as most women at 32 weeks because of my huge uterus. He said that if the pressure become to unbearable then at our next appointment he can start draining the fluid. EEeekk! I am alittle nervous for that, but at least everything is good with miss tiny and the extra fluid isn't effecting her, except making it harder for her to flip head down.  They extra fluid puts pressure on her to stay in the position that she is at, which is breech, Just like Porter.  My doctors thinks it is highly unlikely that she is going to flip, since she has never been head down. So for now we are tentatively planning on a C-section for Feb 12th, which again is fine with me. I don't care how baby girl gets here. I just want her here and in my arms.

31 weeks

We made it!!!

Miss tiny and I are to the week that I lost Porter. 

31 weeks! 

It has been in the back of my mind since I got pregnant. 

How am I going to be when I am 31 weeks. 

Am I going to be excited,..

calm...

 a nervous wreck...

depressed,....

out of my mind with anxiety??? 

This week has actually been alot more peaceful then I anticipated. 

Sure I have been anxious, but I have felt a comfort come over me often that miss tiny is ok. That we are going to make it. 

I know that this is the Holy Ghost. 

He is calming my mind, testifying of the love God has for me and this little one. 

Today is the day in my last pregnancy that I lost Porter (31 weeks and 4 days). 

 It is strange to ponder how different my life is now.

 How different this pregnancy is. 

How different the love Nate and I have for each other is. 

Often times I tell people that I don't think I am going to be a better parent because of Porter, But I think I am going to be a different parent now because of him. 

I think I am going to be more patient, 

 maybe more tender, 

or grateful. 

I just know that this little one is going to be more loved than she thought possible. 

I am so thankful for all my Doctors. 

For all the reassurances and support these past 31 weeks. 

It has been a stressful road for sure.

 Thankfully, I have been able to see my baby every 3 weeks grow and develop inside of me. Now I get weekly non-stress tests to check out how her heart is holding up in such cramped quarters. 

She is in the best hands, and for that I am truly grateful.

Just keep growing

Man I love being pregnant!

  Don't get me wrong, my anxiety has been through the roof! Like sky high, but by golly when I wake up and see my belly moving around, I can't help but tear up. 

That's my baby girl in there. 

She is alive and already has a personality and her own special spirit. It just boggles my mind. It's totally worth all the hardships I have gone through with this pregnancy. I just want her to keep on growing. And as you can see, she is doing a mighty fine job.

                                          

Sorry for the bluriness