Grace

I was able to go to a Relief Society dinner last week and listen to a wonderful speaker (Brad Wilcox) talk about Grace. It was so amazing to learn and grow as the spirit spoke through him.  I was able to grasp new things about grace that I have never thought about. Here are two of my favorite quotes he shared,

"Grace is not the light at the end of the tunnel when all is said and done,..It is the light that surrounds us and moves us through the tunnel"

"If God requires nothing of us, He can make nothing of us."

His talk really brought me peace and comfort. It helped me realize that when 2 Nephi states, "We are saved by the grace of God, after all we can do"  The "WE" is Heavenly father and me, Not the we as in me and everyone else. Heavenly Father is there helping me the whole time. There is never two foot steps in the sand. There is just one, Heavenly Father's. He is doing all he can do to bring me back. I am powerless without him and through his everlasting grace, little ole Katie can be back with him. He is everything. He loves me. He is always with me, carrying me through the tunnel. I love my Savior. I am so thankful that I have the gospel in my life. It has helped me through the many trials in my life. I feel his grace daily. I need his grace daily in order for me to endure to the end.

Trust

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, applied simultaneously.  They are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be, requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain... This life is an experience in profound trust...Trust in Jesus Christ."

  -Elder Richard G. Scott

Read the Ensign, it is wonderful!

Just Relax

A few months ago if you told me to relax, I might have slapped you in the face (k, not really, but I am sure I would have thought about it). I was so sick of people saying if I "Relaxed" Nate and I would get pregnant. Or all we had to do was go on a vacation, then we would get pregnant. Or just adopt, then you for sure will get pregnant, it happened to my friend. 

Well I will tell you what, I thought I was going to snap. This is a Medical problem that Nate and I are going through. It's not something that, "Relaxing" will help....right?  Well, Nate and I started seeing a fertility therapist counselor person a month ago, and let me tell you. Wow! I have learned so much. It has been so nice just talking to someone who has dealt with couples like us for years. He was so knowledgeable. He said we were turning getting pregnant into work. (I am not going to lie, when you are actively trying to get pregnant, it takes the fun and spark out your love life.) So he told us to throw away our fertiltly calendar, quit scheduling time to make a baby. Just be together when we actually feel like being together (sorry if this is too much info).

 He also said that when women are stressed, their fallopian tubes will  spasm making it harder to get pregnant. I thought that was very interesting, considering my stress level lately has been about a 9 out of 10.  So, even though Nate and I both have medical problems with us, relaxing could actually help us a little. And alittle is better than nothing. 

With all of this new information and counseling we have be receiving, I have felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is so nice not obsessing about when I ovulated or what foods help with fertility. We can just be us. Just play and act like a normal couple again, instead of being stressed and annoyed and heartbroken month after month. We will get pregnant when the Lord wants us to get pregnant. I just need to remind myself of that. So for now, I am leaving it up to Heavenly Father. No more pregnancy tests 5 days before I even start my period. No more ovulation App on my phone. No more, poor me. Let's hope that "Relaxing" will help after all.

Be Happy

As I have been reviewing my blog, I realized I have been being quiet a Debbie Downer lately! Boy, that is totally not me. I feel like I am a pretty crazy, happy, high spirited kinda gal.  So in an attempt to be more positive, here is a list of things that are going awesome in my life.

1. My Hubby is so super awesome! Love this guy. He is my rock! Thanks for marrying me babes!

2. I am a Sunbeams teacher! Those little 3 year old light up my day every Sunday, even though they really don't know what I am talking about.

3. I have the best dog in the world. Mr Oliver is the cutiest, snuggliest, nicest dog ever! (I might be bias)

4. I am back to my High school weight... I don't know if that is awesome or not but I feel like I look pretty good so..Yeah go me! :)

5. I have a job, and a pretty darn good one too. I get to work with my Papa and my sister-in law. Yes! Go team Juchau!

6. My eyelashes are getting so long.  Thank you Stephaine for that eyelast serum! It works wonders.

7.  I have the best friends a girl could have!

8.  My sister and I are closer than ever.

9. I get to wake up everyday with a house, clothes, food and warmth!

10.  I am still a goofball

Have a Happy Day!

When you lose a baby

I found this on a friends blog and it summarizes many of the feelings I have had dealing with the loss of my own child. You don’t know what to expect. People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend. You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around. I You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months. And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons. You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child. It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby. You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it. You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving. The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part. Forever. You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes. You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much. You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry. You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too. You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible. Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby. You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home. You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately. You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open. Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill. People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story. You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others. There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up. You lose friends. You find new ones. You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway. You would do anything for another minute with your child. You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift. You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance. You want to know what went wrong, and why… You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger. You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between. You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you. You learn to live with the pain. You are better for having known them at all. Smallbirdstudios.com

A day at a time

Life is never how you anticipate it to be. It seems like the things that you never thought you would go through happen to you. 

I never ever thought I would have a child die. 
I never ever thought I would have fertility issues.
I never ever thought my parents would get divorced. 
I never ever thought I would have such a great relationship with my dad.
I never ever thought I would go through any of this. 

But my Savior did. He knew I would be able to be there for my parents. He knew that I would struggle to have children. He knew that I would have all the trials that I do have. And He knew that I could handle them. The interesting thing is... I am handling them.  Who thought this day would come. When I can rationally look at the trials in my life and understand that they will not overcome me. That I will be ok. That I can do this.

My new motto this year is "A day at a time".  As my parents divorce becomes final. I have had so many different thoughts go through my mind. I am not going to go into detail about what caused my parents to separate, but I want them and you to know that I love them both. I am so thankful to have the parents I do. They raised me strong in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. They supported me in all my endeavors. Through sitting through hours of dance rehearsals and competitions, to staying up till all hours of the night helping me with homework, to listen to me cry my eyes out about dumb boys and high school challenges. They were there at my wedding, when I was sealed to the man of my dreams. They held me when Porter died and cried with me when I delivered.  They have been through everything with me and for that I am eternally grateful. Although they are going their separate ways, They are my parents, and I love them forever! This is another chapter to the Juchau family. We have all been through alot and our book is extremely full, but so is our love for eachother. 

The gift of giving

Christmas...What a Christmas I had. To sum it up in a word..... Surprising. I had some very tender moments this Christmas season. 

A few weeks before Christmas I received an anonymous package in the mail. I opened the unmarked package to find a small box.  That box held had a beautiful necklace with Porters name stamped in it. As well as a beautiful quote on the back, "A moment in our arms, Forever in our hearts." I could not believe someone would do this for me. I know I think about Porter daily, but for someone to go out of their way to do this for me? I was shocked, surprised, grateful, and amazed. Who did this? I was shocked. It made me want to be more giving. So whoever you are. Thank you. Thank you for inspiring me. You are an angel. 

The next surprise I got was a book in the mail. It was from my cousin. It was a book about dealing with miscarriages and infertility through the LDS perspective. It was wonderful to read. Thank you April for thinking of me and realizing that although it has been over a year since I lost Porter, I still miss him and still ache for him, and desperately want a child.

My next surprise was another necklace. I received this from Nate's cousin, Aimee.  When I opened the package I just started to cry. It was beautiful. It had Porters name on it with a little heart.  How are people so thoughtful and kind and tender? I was astounded. What amazing friends and family I have in my life. I am so blessed. So now I have 3 necklaces that I can wear to keep Porter close to me and remind me of others love for me.

I am so thankful for the people in my life. I don't deserve all the love that surrounds me. I just hope that one day I can be as kind and generous as others are to me.