Not My Plan

I have been thinking a lot about Porter lately.  It is his birthday tomorrow and I can't believe it has been a year since I had him. A whole year has gone by and I am still here. I am amazed at all the love and support I have received this past year.  I don't think I would have made it without the dear prayers and comfort that surrounded me. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. Thankful that He knows me! He knows me perfectly, and knows what I needed to become the person I am supposed to be. I found this poem after I had Porter and wrote it in my journal. 

Not My Plan

My eyes long to see you

Now you behold Him

My arms ache for you

Now you know perfect Love

My ears yearn for your voice

Now you sing His praises

I desire to fed you

Now you will never hunger

I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet

Now you play at His pierced ones

I dreamed of years of love and laughter 

Now you will never know pain

I long to watch you grow and develop 

Now you are perfect

This isn't how I planned it, but I know He loves you and me.

I know we will be together again little one. I love you so very much.

.

Venting

I am going to warn all who are about to read this post. I am going to be venting, complaining and mourning. This may change some peoples views of me, but I am reaching my limit. So if you don't want to read, feel free to redirect yourself. 

This week has been tough, I mean dirty, rotten, cry your eyes till there are no more tears hard.  To start off with, I had a head cold ( I know, boohoo a little sniffling and sneezing isn't that bad) but it has been annoying. Nate has been sporting a matching cold to go with mine, so our nights have consisted of tissues and pillows.

Our next adventure has been my lovely period.  It is very rude. Never on time and always showing up when isn't not supposed to. Well I was supposed to start on Thursday. So I took a pregnancy test on Wednesday of course, because I am antzy and excited. Of course it said no.  Thursday came, no period! Hurray, maybe I am pregnant,....Pregnancy test says NO. Friday morning...no period!!! Pregnancy test still says No!  Saturday morning,... You guessed it no period, Pregnancy test says...................No! I still had hope though. I had this feeling this was the month.  Nate and I really felt I was pregnant. I was having all the early signs and we were even teasing that maybe it was Porter's present to us since it his birthday in 5 days.

Mean while in the middle of all this my best friends brother had sadly decided to take his life. I was with my amazing friend the night her brother committed suicide and it was so incredibly sad. I can't express the sorrow that hit me. The pain I felt for my friend of 14 years was almost unbearable. I felt completely helpless. Nate and I cried and prayed that night for Heavenly comfort for my dear friend.  

The next day Nate left for a dirt biking trip with his buddies for a "Mancation", and all us girls had a sleepover. (and yes all my friends are currently pregnant, which is wonderful, just hard) In the morning we decided to get some flowers for our dear friend and her family. While we were delivering the flowers, I get a call from Nate.  He is hurt. He says hes ok,... but.. he can't walk on his right leg! MY HEART SANK! they were on their way to a Hospital but the closest one was 2 hours away. By the time they got there, Nates knee was bigger than his head. This whole time I was freaking out because,  

#1 I was not with him, #2 He is hurt. #3 I didn't know if I was pregnant, and #4 I was worried about how much the ER was going to cost. Well to end the suspense... Nate's Tibia was broken, He tore his ACL and ruptured his Medial Meniscus. Yep, My husband broke his leg and tore anything that was keep the top half of his leg connected to the bottom half of his leg. Awesome. Oh and as soon as I found out he broke his leg, I start my period. So much for having that "feeling" of being pregnant.

So here I sit. Two in the morning, typing away because I can't shut off my mind. Why does this all have to happen around Porter's birthday, that is already so hard.  Why is it so difficult to get pregnant. I am just not supposed to be a mother? Why is it so easy for others, who don't even want children, who abuse and neglect them, to get pregnant. Why do people that we love, who are so young, die?  Is Nate going to be ok? How many surgeries is he going to have to have? How am I going to afford them?  How long until we can start trying again to get pregnant.  Why does Nate, who works and goes to school fulltime have to be so hurt. How come life is so hard.  

Well of course I know the answers to these questions. God knows everything.  He love me. He loves Nate. He is going to help me. He is going to comfort me. He is going to send another special spirit down to me when I am ready. The Lord is all knowing, I just wish he could forget about me for a while so I can take a break from all the trials he is sending my way.  I feel like I have reached my quota. What else is on the list of things Katie needs to go through.  I sure I could have it worse..way worse..... a million times worse. I love the Lord with all my heart, I think I am finally starting to understand what Long suffering means.  I wish I could be one of those people that take everything in stride, but gosh darn it I am not.  Right now I am sick, not pregnant and envious of my many friends that are, and very emotional. I am celebrating the birth of my son that I didn't get to keep, and I have a husband that is sick with a  broken leg and torn ACL.  

Wowzers batman, I think if one more thing happens that will be the straw that breaks the camels back and I will be out for the count. 

Hopefully I will have better news and a better attitude on my next post. :)

Thankful

I am Thankful for...

My Husband:

 What I guy. I mean really, he is truly amazing. Works all day, goes to school all night and still has time to love me unconditionally.



My super awesome friends:

 I am one lucky girl to have solid, true, inspirational friends.

My Health:

I can't complain, all my limbs are working, I can see and hear and talk and play, Run and dance and sing and love. Yup my body is Awesome.

My Family:

 They may be disfunctional, but they are mine, they love me and I love them. Go Juchau's!

My Home:

I own it, it is decorated cute and it is cozy. Hurray for a roof over my head.

My Job:

I have the opportunity to care for people everyday. Who wouldn't love that!

My Savior and Redeemer!

Words can not express the joy and love I feel for my Savior. I am nothing without Him and I am thankful everyday for the constant love and healing He gives me.

My Son:

Porter has strengthen my testimony of the Plan of Salvation and the Atonment of Jesus Christ.  I am forever thankful for Porter and that I am his mother.

During this wonderful season I hope that I can be more thankful and appriecative of my many blessings.

Letter to Porter

I wrote this letter on November 19, 2010 and sent it in a balloon towards heaven the day after I had Porter. (I made sure to make a copy of it) this is what it said.

Dear little Porter,
    You are such a blessing to me.  You have showed me that Heavenly Father knows me better than anyone else.  You showed me that families can be together forever and that I can love deeper than I thought possible.  You are my little angel sent to remind me how loved and supported I am.  You have touched my life forever little one, I love you so much.  My heart aches to touch and hold you in my arms,.. to kiss your little fingers and hear your giggles, but I know Heavenly Father is holding you now.  It brings me so much comfort knowing He is watching over you.  I will love you always my perfect Porter.
                                                        Love,  your mom

Daddy

I have been thinking about Porter a lot lately. It might be because we are coming up on his birthday... or maybe because Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 months with no luck...It could be that I just love and miss him as I see my friends get pregnant and have children of their own. (Which I am so incredibly happy for them, I just aching for my turn.) This past week has been especially hard. I have had crying fits every night. Thankfully my rock, my best friend, the love of my life has been there to hold me in his arms and just listen as I stain his shirt with my tears. He is amazing and I love Nate more than anything.

I have also found comfort in the journal that I kept while I was pregnant with little Porter. I was inspired to write down my feelings while I was pregnant in a journal, and I am so glad that I followed that prompting. I now have little pieces of Porter when I read this journal.  I also recorded many of my feelings after I had him. I didn't realized till after I got home from the hospital that my dear husband wrote down his experience of losing Porter in my journal.  It is so sweet and tender, with his permission I wanted to share what he wrote.

" Porter Owen Adams, Oh how I love you. When I first learned of you, I knew you were special. I didn't completely understand how having a baby would change my life.  I never expected to have so many happy moments in a doctors office.  Next to marrying your mother, hearing your heartbeat and later seeing you are the happiest days of my life.  You have been growing on schedule and have not had any abnormalities or complications. We were expecting a perfectly healthy baby boy. We have been preparing your nursery, reading books, and watching movies trying to prepare for your birth.  You were always moving, every night before bed we would feel you kick or move in some way.  Mom tells me that you must have been nocturnal because you moved the most at bedtime. Porter, I have dreamed about you. I have dreamed of going on adventures with you and what kind of man you will be. Unfortunately, the last time I felt you move was Sunday. (Nov 15th)  On Monday I had work and school and mom worked until 10:00 pm.  Mom was not feeling good and was throwing up so we didn't notice anything unusual until Tuesday. Mom couldn't feel you move and was worried about you so we went to see the doctor at 5:30pm. The nurse tried to find your heartbeat then the doctor, but they couldn't find it Porter. Your mom called Grandpa Juchau to come do an ultrasound. It became clear to us that you were not meant to be on this earth very long. Porter, we miss you already. We know you are an important part of our family, and can not wait to be with you again.  We also know that some of the greatest joys we will ever feel are through our children. That is part of why it is so hard to just let you go. I know you must be called to a different mission, but I miss you and long for the time when I can be with you again, I love you, I love you, I love you..."

                                                  -Love, Daddy

Miss you

Wedding in Moab

My amazing brother got married this weekend. It was a beautiful occassion. Eric and his sweetheart NaRhea got married at Dead Horse Point in Moab. For those that have never been... GO! It is spectacular! Absoutely breaktaking! The ceremony was filled with so much love.  It was so wonderful to have my whole family together. We shared in some tender moments seeing my brother marry the love of his life.  

As I listened and saw the love and devotion in my brothers eyes, it made me think about my own marriage.  I am so thankful for my husband. He is my everything and I am so thankful that he picked me. I don't know what I would do or be without him in my life.

  

Aren't they just lovely!





We went to see Arches National Park while we were in Moab.  I am so amazed by the beauty all around us. It is truely remarkable to partake. I don't understand

how some people don't believe in God.  There is so much wonder to behold on this

earth and I am thankful that I know that it was made for you and me.