Letter to Porter

I wrote this letter on November 19, 2010 and sent it in a balloon towards heaven the day after I had Porter. (I made sure to make a copy of it) this is what it said.

Dear little Porter,
    You are such a blessing to me.  You have showed me that Heavenly Father knows me better than anyone else.  You showed me that families can be together forever and that I can love deeper than I thought possible.  You are my little angel sent to remind me how loved and supported I am.  You have touched my life forever little one, I love you so much.  My heart aches to touch and hold you in my arms,.. to kiss your little fingers and hear your giggles, but I know Heavenly Father is holding you now.  It brings me so much comfort knowing He is watching over you.  I will love you always my perfect Porter.
                                                        Love,  your mom

Daddy

I have been thinking about Porter a lot lately. It might be because we are coming up on his birthday... or maybe because Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 months with no luck...It could be that I just love and miss him as I see my friends get pregnant and have children of their own. (Which I am so incredibly happy for them, I just aching for my turn.) This past week has been especially hard. I have had crying fits every night. Thankfully my rock, my best friend, the love of my life has been there to hold me in his arms and just listen as I stain his shirt with my tears. He is amazing and I love Nate more than anything.

I have also found comfort in the journal that I kept while I was pregnant with little Porter. I was inspired to write down my feelings while I was pregnant in a journal, and I am so glad that I followed that prompting. I now have little pieces of Porter when I read this journal.  I also recorded many of my feelings after I had him. I didn't realized till after I got home from the hospital that my dear husband wrote down his experience of losing Porter in my journal.  It is so sweet and tender, with his permission I wanted to share what he wrote.

" Porter Owen Adams, Oh how I love you. When I first learned of you, I knew you were special. I didn't completely understand how having a baby would change my life.  I never expected to have so many happy moments in a doctors office.  Next to marrying your mother, hearing your heartbeat and later seeing you are the happiest days of my life.  You have been growing on schedule and have not had any abnormalities or complications. We were expecting a perfectly healthy baby boy. We have been preparing your nursery, reading books, and watching movies trying to prepare for your birth.  You were always moving, every night before bed we would feel you kick or move in some way.  Mom tells me that you must have been nocturnal because you moved the most at bedtime. Porter, I have dreamed about you. I have dreamed of going on adventures with you and what kind of man you will be. Unfortunately, the last time I felt you move was Sunday. (Nov 15th)  On Monday I had work and school and mom worked until 10:00 pm.  Mom was not feeling good and was throwing up so we didn't notice anything unusual until Tuesday. Mom couldn't feel you move and was worried about you so we went to see the doctor at 5:30pm. The nurse tried to find your heartbeat then the doctor, but they couldn't find it Porter. Your mom called Grandpa Juchau to come do an ultrasound. It became clear to us that you were not meant to be on this earth very long. Porter, we miss you already. We know you are an important part of our family, and can not wait to be with you again.  We also know that some of the greatest joys we will ever feel are through our children. That is part of why it is so hard to just let you go. I know you must be called to a different mission, but I miss you and long for the time when I can be with you again, I love you, I love you, I love you..."

                                                  -Love, Daddy

Miss you

Wedding in Moab

My amazing brother got married this weekend. It was a beautiful occassion. Eric and his sweetheart NaRhea got married at Dead Horse Point in Moab. For those that have never been... GO! It is spectacular! Absoutely breaktaking! The ceremony was filled with so much love.  It was so wonderful to have my whole family together. We shared in some tender moments seeing my brother marry the love of his life.  

As I listened and saw the love and devotion in my brothers eyes, it made me think about my own marriage.  I am so thankful for my husband. He is my everything and I am so thankful that he picked me. I don't know what I would do or be without him in my life.

  

Aren't they just lovely!





We went to see Arches National Park while we were in Moab.  I am so amazed by the beauty all around us. It is truely remarkable to partake. I don't understand

how some people don't believe in God.  There is so much wonder to behold on this

earth and I am thankful that I know that it was made for you and me.



Family

From the beginning of time the Juchaus were meant to have trials. So it is no surprise that tough stuff has been going on in my family lately. Seems like my family has alot to learn about patience and long suffering.

As the current predicament has escalated I have grown closer to my dad in ways I didn't think I could. 

I Love my dad with all my heart.  

He is my rock, my hero, my nurturer and friend.  He is so strong and humble and loving. I am so thankful that he has always been there from me throughout my life. My dad is a very special and important man. He saves lives for his job. He goes to meetings around the clock and works around the clock to help those in need. I admire his dedication to others and to his family.

I was looking through some old picture and found these tender moments with my dad. 

A little Shout out to My Brother Eric! He is getting married on October 1st!

 

I love you Eric! You are one of the strongest people I know. You deserve the world and I am so Happy for you and your sweetheart NaRhea!

I Love my family so dearly.  Even though we all have our struggles and trials we have all gotten closer because of them. I am thankful for our hardships in life. It makes the sweeter times that much better!

 

 

 

struggles

It helps to share with others who can understand your struggles and encourage you along the way. Let's let today be the day we take a giant leap forward to becoming who we were created to be.  

My Porter

This week has been like any other week (besides my birthday, hurray for making to 24!). I have worked for most of the week. Spent limited time with my Nate, cleaned, run errands, and gone to the gym a few times. Nothing of significance has happened to trigger the thoughts I have been having. However I can't shake the sadness I have been feeling over the past 5 days. I miss my Porter so much lately. It has been about 10 months since I lost him yet sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.

I just now realized that I have stopped praying for help, for comfort and healing. I figured it has almost been a year. Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 4 months and I should be past the grieving period. I do just fine talking to people about him, I even welcome it. But it is in the little things that I feel Porter and long for him. 

I didn't realized trying to get pregnant would bring up so many emotions in me. I find myself holding my stomach  when I am talking to someone pregnant, or sitting next to couples in my ward with newborns.  I think I am still trying to be the strong one, the one that comforts everyone else, when really I need to rely more on my Heavenly Father. I need to ask him for strength, even if I think I "should" be good by now. I don't know why this week has been so hard and emotional for me, but I know that I am not alone and that Porter is not alone. We will be together again, and until then I will be doing by best to earn the privilege to live with him again.