My Porter

This week has been like any other week (besides my birthday, hurray for making to 24!). I have worked for most of the week. Spent limited time with my Nate, cleaned, run errands, and gone to the gym a few times. Nothing of significance has happened to trigger the thoughts I have been having. However I can't shake the sadness I have been feeling over the past 5 days. I miss my Porter so much lately. It has been about 10 months since I lost him yet sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.

I just now realized that I have stopped praying for help, for comfort and healing. I figured it has almost been a year. Nate and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 4 months and I should be past the grieving period. I do just fine talking to people about him, I even welcome it. But it is in the little things that I feel Porter and long for him. 

I didn't realized trying to get pregnant would bring up so many emotions in me. I find myself holding my stomach  when I am talking to someone pregnant, or sitting next to couples in my ward with newborns.  I think I am still trying to be the strong one, the one that comforts everyone else, when really I need to rely more on my Heavenly Father. I need to ask him for strength, even if I think I "should" be good by now. I don't know why this week has been so hard and emotional for me, but I know that I am not alone and that Porter is not alone. We will be together again, and until then I will be doing by best to earn the privilege to live with him again.

WindRivers

 Nate and I went Backpacking through Wind rivers in Wyoming with our friends, Jessie and Ryan Egbert and Sarah and Kerry Crandell. We left Wednesday and didn't get back till Sunday night. It was so amazing and beautiful and hard.  We packed in all our gear for our 4 day trip up the mountain.

Our Packs were 30-40 pound. (My back still hasn't recovered)

It was 5 miles all up hill to our base camp

Our Camp for the next 4 days.

Oli was such a trooper. He would run ahead on the trail to make sure there weren't any bears and then come back to lead the way.  He loved being in nature with all the new smells and wildlife. By the end of the trip we could tell he was pooped. He slept the whole 6 hours home.

Our first day we hiked up to the lake, Twin and Shirley. It was about 3 miles from our base camp. Ryan and Jessie were the Pro fishers of the group, followed by Sarah and Kerry. Nate and I struggled the first two days.  By the end of the trip we had gotten the hang of it. We even had competitions to see who could catch the first 3 fish the fastest. 

While on our way to the various lakes we found surprises.....

Like a meadow of wild strawberries! They were SO delicious and tiny. We all found handfuls and handfuls!

The mountains were beautiful! Most of the time we were hiking there was no trail. We relied on Ryan to guild us through the rough terrain, since his family had been coming up here for years.

Fishing at the Great Gatsby!

We would catch so many fish that we just threw them back.  These are the ones we ate for dinner.

We got rained on ALOT! this was a little surprise as we were hiding in a cave for the storm to pass.

The mosquitoes LOVED me, even when I wore bug spray

Lost Lake! My Favorite place we hiked. I almost didn't make it due to the strain of the first 2 days of hiking, plus this lake was the farthest away from camp.  It was so worth it!

I just loved being with the love of my life!

Sarah and Kerry!

What an Adventure Backpacking was. It was so nice to get away from everything. Phones, Computers, Work, School and just be in Nature and with Friends.

My little Project

Nate and I have had our lovely kitchen set for 4 years now. I decided I wanted to update it. The chairs are just made out of that fake wood stuff so I thought I would make them a little softer and cuter. Here is my little project: 

 Before

After 

The green looks a lot lighter than it really is in these pictures

How I made them:

  First I bought some padding and rolled it out to trace my chair seat.

Next I cut out the padding

I stacked 6 pieces of padding on top of each other

I measured the fabric out and left 2-3 inches on each side to staple down

Fold fabric over padding and pull tight

Staple Fabric

I think they turned out pretty good!

Keep swimming

Seems like the name of my Blog is very fitting these days. "Just keep Swimming" well, I am trying too, but too many darn things keep happening! A few weeks ago my amazing husband lost his job for the third time in our 4 year marriage.  It was completely out of nowhere. They just called him in and said, Sorry we don't have anything else for you to do. No two week notice or severance pay, just the boot. Well because of the past two times Nate lost his job we were prepared. We had put some money aside in savings for a rainy day. Turns out the car needed 4 new tires and it had to get registered. That wasn't planned for so we said goodbye to half of savings. However we did have some good luck. A week before Nate lost his job he started washing windows on the side to get some extra income. That was a blessing because he is now making about half of what he was at his job, which is better than nothing. I am grateful that I still have my job and I know things could be worse, but the hardest part of all of this is that with Nate being unemployed it puts a halt on having a baby. I am completely and utterly 100 percent ready to have a baby. I was ready 18 months ago when Nate and I started trying. It has been 8 months since we had Porter and 2 months since we started trying again and now to stop, once more is truly breaking my heart. I just sobbed and sobbed until my tears ran dry a few days ago. I feel like I have a hole inside of me that can only be filled by a child. I hate this feeling of helplessness I get when I see other babies. I know that I will have children someday. I know that my Heavenly Father has special spirits in heaven waiting to come down to earth and meet me. I know that they can't wait and that Heavenly Father is teaching me patience and long suffering so I will be the mom that He knows I can become. I just need to Keep Swimming, keep my heart full of all the love that is around me and keep believing that I will have children, and that they will be more loved and appreciated than anything on this earth.

I can love me

Lately I have been feeling down on myself both physically and mentally.  Since I ran my 5k I kinda stopped making goals for myself. I only run on occasion, and when I went running with my friends on Friday it really showed. (made it about 1.5 miles and had to stop, Yikes!) I also have been feeling depressed about who I am.  I feel like I have lost some of my "Katieness" the stuff that makes me happy and high spirited.  So I am going to make a list of things that I love about myself and the things I can do to help me love myself more.

What I love about me:
1. My intellect
2. My bluntness
3. My big brown eyes
4. My quirky sense of humor
5. My love of nature and outdooriness
6. My super mad dancing skills :)
7. My ability to connect with others
8. My Faith and love for my Savior
9. My persistence
10. My awesome red hair

What I can do to love me more:
1. Read my scriptures everyday
2. Go running or biking 3 times a week
3. Sing outloud
4. Listen and believe compliments others give me
5. Wake up before 10:00 am on days I don't work
6. Pray everyday
7. Serve
8. Do not compare
9. Read a new book a month
10. Make someone laugh everyday

My first 5k

My First 5k was for the Now I can Foundation.  All proceeds went to children with walking disabilities.

Before the race.

                                                         

11:18 pace!

Sprinting to the Finish Line. Please ignore my face :)

 I did it! I ran my first 5k! I made a goal to do at least 12 minute miles so that would put me at about 36-37 minutes to complete. Well I finished it in 35 minutes flat! I placed 101st out of 500. I was 48th in women. I am so proud of myself that I was able to do something super hard and keep with it.  I am thankful that my friend Corinna would come run with me even though she did not train at all, what a trooper. Girl Power all the way! My next goal is a half marathon!

After the race.

                                                               

Rollercoaster of Emotions

What an emotional whirl wind I have been on this week. To start off I had a period from H. E. double hockey sticks. Headaches, backaches, zits and I was just a crying mess. It didn't help that Mothers day was Sunday. Talk about embarrassing, I broke down crying when the primary sang, when I saw the baby in front of me giggle and during every speaker. I basically left church without an ounce of makeup on. Plus last Mothers Day was when we told everyone we were pregnant.

I have also be super happy this week too.  Nate and I decided that since it has officially been 6 months since we had Porter we are going to start trying again!!! I am so incredibly excited and horrible scared at the same time. I want a baby more than anything, but I am so nervous about getting pregnant and staying pregnant. The doctors told me I am going to be monitored like 24/7. I am already at high risk because of my double uterus, but adding the stress of the unknown on top of that isn't good.  I am trying to relax but what if we can't get pregnant again?? What if I miscarry over and over again. My mother had 2 miscarriages. What if I have another still-born?? But... What if I have a perfectly healthy happy baby?? I know I shouldn't play the "what if" game, because I did this before we got pregnant with Porter. I thought that I wasn't going to be able to conceive at all, but we did just 2 months after we went off birth control!

I know I need to have Faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that they will bless us if we are living in accordance with his Gospel. I am so excited to start this journey all over again. I just hope that I can let myself relax and enjoy the process of "trying" to get pregnant :), and not stress about every little thing I do. LOL we will see how well that works.