My Hysterectomy

Well,

Hello, Hello, Hello
 It has been quite a minute since I have written on my blog.  Mainly because Instagram has become my journal and it is so quick and convenient. However, I decided I wanted to consolidate my thoughts, experiences and reasons why I had a Hysterectomy all in one easy place for those interested.  I have gained so many friends and followers through opening up about Porter (my angel son), My premie girls,...their reconstructive facial surgeries and my funky anatomy ;),....So why not share the lowdown on my Hysterectomy.  Obviously these are my own thoughts and issues, please talk to a doctor for actual medical advice!

As some of you know, I have a Bicornuate uterus.  There are several different types of uterine abnormalities, and for ease here is an educational diagram.

I've had lots of different tests done such as ultrasounds and scans to figure out exactly what my uterus presents as and what its made of.

We discovered after I had Porter that I have a Class IV: Bicornuate uterus. In short it's basically like I have two uteri that are half the size of a normal uterus that combine at the cervix. It is Uterine muscle all the way down, not a tissue septum like a Class V: Septate uterus. I also only have the one Cervix UNLIKE the Class III: Uterus didelphys.  Who knew we could be so messed up inside. This abnormality is just one of many interesting things about me.  But thats for a different post.

I'm sharing this to give you some context of why most types of Birth Control do not work for me. When I was 16 I started on Oral birth control to help with my Acne. I continued to stayed on it after I got married to prevent Pregnancy. 

 When Nate and I decided we wanted to start a family, we saw a doctor to see if there would be any complications with my heart shaped uterus. (at the time all I knew was that it was a heart shape but I didn't know anything else about it).  My doctor said I could be at a higher risk for miscarriage because if the egg implanted on the septum (what we assumed the middle of my uterus was) there wouldn't be enough blood supply for the fetus to grow.  With that information we started trying and with in 2 months, we were pregnant. I couldn't believe it happened so fast... I was nervous to get through the first trimester since I knew I was at high risk of miscarrying.  Well as most of you know I made it well past my first trimester, all the way to 31 weeks.  At 31 weeks I lost my little baby boy and delivered him Still Born on November 18, 2010.  You can imagine all the tests and scans and ultrasounds I had done after to try to find the cause of death.  Throughout the months and years of tests we discovered I had in fact a True Bicornuate uterus with uterine muscle all the way down. This type of deformity causes growth restriction because the uterus can not grow sufficiently due to its small size and lack of room from the other uterus.  If I had a tissue septum, during pregnancy it could move out of the way and my uterus could better expand as my baby grew.  

Other discoveries included, 4 kidneys (I know! I'm a mutant!) My gallbladder on the opposite site of my body and Polyhydraminous  (which is 2-3 times the normal about of amniotic fluid in utero while pregnant, which puts even more pressure on the baby, which is not ideal with my uterus.) I'm telling you all of this to illustrate how high risk I was each time I got pregnant.  With each pregnancy there was a huge chance I could have another still born due to growth restriction.  That is why all my babies were small for their gestation and why my water broke early....My uterus literally could not expand anymore, so my water would break. Like blowing up a balloon until it popped. So the fact that I have two semi healthy girls is pretty much a miracle.  To learn more about the issues they faced due to my bicornuate uterus and polyhydraminous go read the posts on my blog related to "Surgery". 

Alrighty, now that you know everything you didn't want to know about my uterus, you can see how having 2 living kids is a miracle and dream come true for us. My husband and I didn't want to chance having another still born or child with all the deformities our other children had since it was 100% likely they would suffer from growth restriction. We decided over a year ago we were done having biological children, but in the future we might consider adoption.  Although we were done having children I never even considered getting a hysterectomy, until I found out my friend who was my age had gotten one.  I was so surprised and intrigued.  I had never heard of anyone before the age of 40 voluntarily getting a hysterectomy.  For some reason, in the Mormon culture it seemed to have a stigma surrounding it.  I am still not sure why it is so hush hush but in true Katie fashion, I'm being as open, honest and real about my experience so others don't have feel ashamed or less of a women/mother/mormon/wife etc. for getting one before the age of 40, 30, 20 or for getting one after you've only had "X" amount of kids. It's YOUR body and YOUR decision. Not societies, or your religions or even your husband/partners decision.  You know what is best for you, and you get to ultimately decide what you do to YOUR BODY!  

Now, to get back to why I had a hysterectomy instead of something less invasive. Besides the fact that I was done having children, I also had the this not so LITTLE problem of having my period over half of the month EVERY month since having Lula.  That was over two years of bleeding almost every other week and never knowing when I would start or stop. Two years of constant changing hormonal levels (which reeked havoc on my body and my marriage) and two years of extremely painful cramping and migraines.  I decided enough was enough and went to talk to my doctor about the possibly of a hysterectomy.  We went through ALL the other less invasion options.  Oral birth control was out, IUD? nope that wouldn't work with my uterine anatomy.  Uterine Ablation? Nope, they couldn't guarantee to get both complete sides of my uterus.  Getting my tubes tied? Well that would stop pregnancy, but I would still ovulate each month, therefore I would still have a period, so that wouldn't really solve anything.  The only other option was to take the sucker out!  We agreed that there could be some benefit of removing my ovaries as well. It could help with my migraines, but it would also send me into premature menopause at 30 years old.  I wasn't ready to start taking hormonal supplements, and my doctor agreed I was way too young. He also said that removing my ovaries wouldn't necessarily guarantee that my migraines would stop.  We agreed on a tentative date for surgery and he sent me off to get a million more scans and ultrasounds done to prepare for my "tricky" hysterectomy.  He wanted to be extra prepared before cutting into my mutant abdomen. 

Well to make a long story longer, every thing looked normal for Me.  I had the hysterectomy and they only found one surprise while operating. Apparently your ovaries are supposed to be in your pelvis.... but because I'm Katie that would be way too normal.  My ovaries were up in my abdomen.  Yep...they are too cool to be in my pelvic cavity.  Honestly I wasn't surprised when my doctor told me.  I would have believed if he told me my ovaries were in my feet LOL.  It makes sense that they were in my abdomen now, because looking back, I've always had sever stomach pain when I was ovulating but never knew why....well, there is why.  So there you go! Now you know why I got a hysterectomy and about 50 percent of the weird things about me!  You're Welcome!!!

 If you have any other questions, feel free to leave me a comment!!!

From the Heart of Katie

1.  What was becoming a first time mom like for you?

Becoming a Mother was a different journey for me then I ever thought it would be.  Having a stillborn baby boy as my first born gave me a unique perspective on Motherhood.  I know everyone says you are never truly ready to have a baby, however after giving birth to Porter (my angel baby) and then struggling to get pregnant for over a year and half after; I was 100% ready to be an earthly Mother. Being a first time mom to my living daughter Autumn was so completely surreal. It actually took me until she came home from her 7 week stay in the NICU for me to really feel like I was a mom.  I was so overcome with joy that she was finally here….finally in my arms…in our home and alive that I was alittle obsessive over her! But what new mom isn’t obsessed with her baby. 

2.     What did you learn from Porter’s life and what advice do you have for other mom’s who find themselves walking the hard road of delivering a still born baby?

My goodness, I learned so so much from my little Porter. I learned that life is extremely precious and so fragile. I learned that I am not incharge of my life at all. God has a plan for me and I’ve learned to give up control and trust in the Lord. I learned that I am stronger and weaker then I thought. I gained a great understanding and appreciation for the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. I learned patience, even though I didn’t want to.

The advice I have for mothers going through the trial of Still birth, is to let others lift you up. Let people in. I wouldn’t have been able to get through my experience if it wasn’t for all my amazing friends and family.  Pray! Even if you don’t believe in God. Ask your High Power, the universe or cosmos for Strength.  Also, talk about your experience. For me talking kept the memory of Porter alive. It kept it real. I didn’t want to hide the fact that I had a still born… I wanted to celebrate the fact that I had life inside of me. That he had a spirit and was so special he didn’t need to be here on earth. Remember that the pain that you feel does ease. It never goes away, but it changes.  As time goes by the sharpness fades and you will grow to be able to handle the ache better. There are also so many support groups, blogs and people out there that have had a similar experience as you. Utilize these women. Some of my best friends now are other Angel mommies I met because of Porter.

3.     Who is a positive role model you look to for mothering advice and guidance?

Of course, my mother. She was/is the idea homemaker.  She always had dinner on the table. She kept the house perfectly clean and yard immaculate. She could sew, paint, and craft like a pro. She took us to all of our dance, swim and piano lessons. She encouraged me to follow my passions.  She was never short of encouragement and selflessness. She never missed a recital, competition, or baseball game. She stayed up until we got home every night, even if that was 2 in the morning. She has been involved in every aspect of my life. She was there when I got married. When I lost Porter. She is always there to give me advice and tell me to be kinder to myself. 

4.     You’ve spent a lot of time with your sweet girls in the NICU and with extensive surgeries for both. How did you cope and get through the hard days?

PRAYER,FAMILY and FRIENDS! It’s so true though. When Autumn (my first daughter) was born 7 weeks early, to say I was anxious was an understatement.  I basically lived at the NICU. The amount of support I received was unreal. I think so many people were on this journey to have a baby with me that even if I wanted to feel discouraged I couldn’t because so many people were rooting for Autumn. Knowing that she was already impacting so many people really helped give me the strength to get through those hard scary days.  When Autumn had her Major Reconstructive surgery on her skull, I made sure I had prepared the best I could. I researched her condition extensively. I wrote about my feeling on my blog.  I prayed for strength. I had several friends, family, and complete strangers say they were praying for us and had put our names in the LDS temples throughout the world because we are of that faith. 

The way I have coped with all the medical trials my girls have been through is through the love and support others have shown me.  It’s very humbling. Lula (my second daughter) basically has had the same medical problems as Autumn. When we discovered that Lula was going to need the same surgery on her skull I joined a group on facebook with over 50 thousand members with kids with cranial abnormalities.  It was beyond helpful and comforting to hear others stories, as well as tell people my story and give advice from my own experience.

5.     What is the best part about being a mom? The hardest?

There are so many incredible things about being a mother. The amount of love you can possess for another human being is insane.  These girls of mine have changed me forever. I love the giggles and snuggles.  The kisses and ‘I love yous’  Seeing their personalities develop is one of my favorite parts of being a Mom.  Watching my girls interact together and love each other is like nothing I have ever felt.  

However motherhood has been the HARDEST thing I have ever experienced. I have struggled with terrible anxiety, guilt and depression. I have felt like I have lost my identity at times.  Finding peace that raising my two beautiful girls is what I am meant to do and its okay if I’m not perfect at it, that has been the biggest struggle I have faced.  

6.     Outside of being a mom what are your hobbies and interests?

I am a Recreational Therapist, so I love activities. Road bicycling, swimming, hiking, camping, photography, board and card games, dancing, coloring, cook and baking are a few of my favorites. I admit I am a Netflix binger and consider napping as a hobby.  I also love just spending time with my husband doing anything together.

7.     What are your strengths as a mother? What are some areas you’d like to improve in? 

I think I am really good at expressing my love for my girls. I tell them often. We snuggle, hug, hold hands and kiss a lot.  I never want my girls to feel like I don’t love them.  I am good at recognizing my daughter’s strengths and complementing them often.  I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement and try not to use “No” very often.  What I need to improve on is being move creative with my girls.  I need to do more activities with them.  I also need to be more present and actually sit down and play with them instead of just watch them play.

8.     How has motherhood blessed your life? 

Motherhood has blessed my life in so many ways. I feel like I have fulfilled my real purpose in life; that I am doing something truly divine in having and raising children.  It has taught me the true meaning of sacrifice and deepen my perspective of what love is. It has strengthen my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It has also brought my closer to my own parents and helped me appreciate all they have done for me. 

9.     What are your daily essentials?

Almond Milk (I can’t live without it), Morning snuggles in bed with my girls. Instagram (that’s one of the ways I stay social and connected to my friends). Reading (whether its my scriptures, a book, or a religious magazine) Calling my mom and dad. ( Neither of them live by me).

10. What are all the different roles you feel you must balance as a mother?

I think the biggest role I have to balance is being a wife too. I feel like between taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals, exercising, running errands, church callings and a million other things, sometimes my marriage takes the back seat. I have really been trying to focus on balance and making sure to find time specifically for my husband every day. 

11. What do you do to help you through the trenches of motherhood?

I have to have adult interaction! I am such a social person and being a stay at home mom can be very lonely and isolating. I have to plan at least one activity a week where we can go be with other people, even if that is just my family. When I first had Lula I never left the house and my Post Partum Depression was debilitating. I found once I started having play dates, chatted more with friends, and going out with my hubby (without the kids) I started to do better emotionally.

12. Favorite thing to do on the weekends?

Besides sleep! But really, Nate and I enjoy relaxing and spending time cuddling with the girls or just playing and taking it easy. We also like to travel down to St. George to see his family and play for the weekend. Nate is amazing on the weekends. He actively tries to watch the girls more so I can get a nap in, or have some “Me” time.

13. What do your children teach you?

They have taught me that everything doesn’t have to be perfect all the time. It’s okay if the house is messy and we are still in our pjs at 3 in the afternoon. As long as we are spending time together, that’s what is important.  They have taught me to be nicer to myself.  My 3 year old is my own personal cheerleader. She is always so proud and loving towards me. It makes me feel like I am doing something right.

14. How was life different for you before you became a mother?

I didn’t have wrinkles or baggy eyes. I slept through the night and had a lot more free time. I had a flat tummy and lots of energy. My house was clean and I made dinner most nights.  I played with my friends a lot and spent more time with my hubby. I bought more things for myself and was more free with our budget.  A lot of these things seem so superficial now. It’s amazing how our priorities change as we have children. Things that were so important now just seem silly. I wouldn’t trade any of it for my girls.

15. Favorite go to family recipe?

Creamy Italian Crock pot Chicken:

Put 4 frozen chicken breasts or 6 tenders into crockpot. Salt and pepper.

Cover chicken with 1 cup Italian dressing.

Cook on low for 4 hours

Remove chicken and shred

Mix one can of cream of mushroom soup and 4 oz of cream cheese with the Italian dressing in the crockpot.

Return shredded chicken to crockpot and mix creamy sauce mixture with chicken.

I then add fresh mushrooms on top.

Continue to cook on low for 1-2 hours.

Served over rice or quinoa

16. What advice on motherhood would you like to share with all us moms?

Motherhood looks different for everyone. For some it is organic meals and Structured Pinterest crafts. For others its cartoons, free play and frozen lasagna. For others it is working full time and getting home just in time for baths, story time and bedtime kisses. There is no right way to be a mom. Breastfeeding or formula… Cloth diapers or disposable…Sleep training or rocking to sleep. We are all doing the best we can. We all are doing what we are able to and what we think is right. Follow your instincts, give yourself a break, kiss the heck out of your kids. Feel blessed!

Who am I

I have been struggling a lot with feeling hollow since I've had Lula...., like I am just the shell of the person I used to be.  I know most people would call that Post Partum Depression.  Which makes sense and meds would probably help but I am already on and have been on anti depressant medication for about 3.5 years now. I've tried different kinds and doses, and have found my "cocktail" as you may call it that works best to keep me...me. But for some reason, I just can't snap back to my normal self since having Lula. Those hormones have no mercy. Don't get me wrong, I love Lula to pieces, it doesn't have anything to do with taking care of my babies. (well, maybe a tiny bit) Just the change in chemistry from having them??? Whatever it may be, I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I feel like over the years of being married and having the stress of finances and relationship challenges (I assume every marriage has these...If you don't..that's weird lol) and kids I have slowly lost who I am. I wondered yesterday what kind of a person I would be if I never did get married or had kids...(not that I would change it for the world) Would I still be that crazy fun loving, organized, spontaneous, energetic, wake up early, take on the day, help the planet, spiritual giant that I felt like I was?? Who knows?? I feel like I used to be unique, someone people remembered. Now I feel forgettable. 

 I often feel like a failure with my kids, like I am not doing as much as I could to teach and play with them. I still try to do fun things with them, I want so much for them to learn and explore and be challenged.....but I am embarrassed to say how many days Curious George babysits while I lay in bed because I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

Getting ready for the day feels like a chore, and I am afraid I am turning into one of "those" wives that lets themselves go and never looks good for their husbands.  I wont talk about how long I've gone between showers and I am not even going to address how bad I feel about my body. That could be an entire other post (and I know my babies are worth my saggy skin and belly rolls. It still doesn't help the fact that I don't like the way I look) I am trying to embrace it...

I am also constantly battling if I want to go out when someone invites me go on a play date.  I almost always go, but the Katie 5 years ago would never even think twice about turning down an opportunity to get out and play. Heck I got my College degree in Recreational Therapy... thats basically getting a degree in Playing!!!!

Overall I still play with my kids. I still get the house clean.... It just takes me a few extra days to do the laundry and dishes. I still go out with friends sometimes, and still get all dressed up... on occasion... I still try to be happy and I think I am still funny every now and again.  I just feel like everything takes a whole lot more effort and a whole lot more time and will power to do. I do get sad ALOT more than I use to. I do get overwhelmed ALOT. I do get anxious ALOT. I don't feel good enough ALOT, but I am still trucking along, slowly. I hope that some mamas out there feel similar to me or this is just going to be way too personal and way too awkward LOL! However, by now everyone knows I am about as open a book as you can get.

P.S Sorry to the family members that feel uncomfortable reading this. This is real life.

Lula's Birth Story

It's amazing how fast time goes. Lula is already 2 months old and I have yet to write her birth story. It's probably about time I get on that.

I was due April 15, 2015...not that it really had any bearring on when I would actually have Lula. We were just crossing our fingers that I could hold on until March. My mom flew out from Michigan on the first of March. We figured that since I had Porter at 31 weeks and Autumn at 33 weeks, most likely Lula would cook till at least 33 weeks. All my many doctors said it would be amazing if I made it to 34 weeks. My mom did not want to miss the birth, since she missed Autumns due to her surprise entrance. It was fabulous having her here. However, she had to leave by April 2. 

As the weeks went by, we were so excited that Lula was still developing, however as I approached 36 weeks, my mom was worried that I wouldn't have her until after she left. We joked that of course when she came out early I would go full term. On Sunday the 22nd of March my mom said that a storm was coming in that night through Monday and for sure my water would break because of the barometric pressure. I was almost 37 weeks, so I was okay with that even though I thought the whole barometric pressure thing was just a wives tale, like eating a greasy cheeseburger to induce labor. Well Lula proved me wrong. 

At 2:30 Monday morning my water broke in my sleep. I woke up instantly and ran to the bathroom. I yelled from the bathroom to Nate that my water broke and to go get my mom so she could watch Autumn while we went to the hospital. By the time I got cleaned up and grabbed all our hospital stuff it was 3:00 am. We drove the 20 minutes to the hospital and got all checked in at the ER. The nurse that wheeled me up to Labor and Delivery said I was the fourth lady in 2 hours that water had broken. He said it was probably from the storm coming. Well there you go, guess the weather really does effect water breakage.  We got to my room at 3:30 am.  The nurses hooked me up to the monitors and started watching my contractions and Lula's heart rate. They told me that both Operating Rooms were full with emergency c-sections from ladies water breaking early. They also told me my doctor would be in around 6:00 am. So for the next 2 hours Nate and I tried to get some rest. I started vomiting around 4:30 am.  I assume it was from being nervous about my surgery. My c-section with Autumn was pretty rough. As we waited I watched the monitor. I thought Lula's heart rate didn't look too good (I could tell because of my millions of non-stress tests). The nurses had shift change at 5:00am; it took about 30 minutes. At 5:30 a.m a new set of nurses came racing in and started going a million miles an hour preparing me for my c-section. They said Lula's heart rate wasn't good and we needed to get her out asap. Within 10 minutes I was sitting on the Operating Table leaning on a random nurse getting my Epidural placed and waiting for Nate to come in. 

Nate can not handle watching the epidural, so I was in there alone. Don't get me wrong, he is a tough guy. He is a extremely caring husband, but he does not do blood or needles. Like AT ALL! Bless his heart he said he would try to stay in while I had my c-section, but once they sat him down and were about to start, he started turning all white and clammy. I told him that I would be okay and he could go wait outside till Lula was born, then go with her to the nursery. He was reluctant, but decided it was better then passing out during the surgery. 

 When I had my c-section with Autumn, my dad and Nate where there, and I knew my doctor performing the surgery. Nate had to leave the operating room for the same reason as Lula, but I still had my dad for support with Autumn. Even having my dad by my side I still struggled to stay calm. I ended up getting sedated during Autumns delivery due to a panic attack. So I was really only awake for the 10 minutes it took for the doctors to get Autumn out, then I freaked out and was put out. With Lula I didn't have anyone I knew in the room with me. I didn't even know the doctor that was doing my surgery.  I had forgotten just how uncomfortable a c-section was. For those that haven't had one, it definitely isn't easy. You are strapped down on a hard table, in a cold room, staring at the ceiling. You don't know what is going on during the surgery. The doctors chat away about what they had for lunch or what movie they saw yesterday, while you are about to have a baby literally cut out of you. During the surgery don't feel pain per say, but you feel tugging and pulling and pushing and pressure. I threw up as they pulled Lula out of me. They took Lula to an adjacent room to get cleaned up.   Nate saw what had happened, and went into the room with Lula. She was 4lbs 11oz, and 17 inches long.  She also had dark brown hair which was a big surprise.All of that was the easy part. It took them 10 minutes or less to get her out. It was the sewing me back together that took forever. During that time I started getting really uncomfortable. I had to keep taking deep breaths and telling myself to calm down. I felt myself starting to pass out and asked the anesthesiologist how my blood pressure was. He looked at the monitor and then said, "Oh yeah it's pretty low, lets give you something to raise that up." It was 72/40!!! yeah that's a little low. He gave me the medicine and then started up his conversation with the nurse. I felt like I had to throw up again and asked for a bag. No one heard me and I ended up throwing up on myself. I mean how do you not, when you are laying flat on your back... Well after about 30 minutes I was finally stitched up and on my way to see miss Lula. 

When I got to my room I immediately started having super intense pain. I felt like they stitched me down too tight because I couldn't sit up straight. With Autumn I didn't start feeling any real pain for about 12 hours.  Tears were welling up in my eyes, it hurt so bad. Then all of a sudden they handed me Lula and said lets try to nurse..... Wait what? I can't even sit up..I can't breath..I don't even remember how to nurse.  I asked why I was hurting so much already? Apparently they didn't put any pain medication into my epidural like they did with Autumn. The nurse gave me some Morphine, but it didn't do anything. About 10 minutes later, when they noticed I could hardly breath and my blood pressure was rising they gave me more morphine and started the pain medication in my epidural. About 30 minutes after returning to my room, I finally had some relief.  Lula and I tired nursing. It was awkward and hard. She seemed super sleepy and was taken to the TLC nursery since she was so small for her gestational age. 

The TLC nursery was a step above the regular nursery but not quite the NICU. While she was there visitors came, we chatted and I rested. Six hours after my surgery I noticed my button for supplying pain relief through my epidural wasn't working and I could already move my legs. I also started feeling something dripping down my back. I asked my dad to check. Apparently it was blood. My epidural had pulled out. We called the nurse in to look. She talked to the doctor and they decided they would just start me on oral medication, instead of putting it back in. Oral medication didn't work as well, but it allowed me to start walking 12 hours after having Lula. I was able to walk to the TLC nursery down the hall and see her a lot sooner, then if I still had my Epidural in. They couldn't bring her to my room, so it was so nice to hold her so soon after giving birth. I couldn't hold Autumn till she was 3 days old. 

The three days I stayed in the hospital I spent time holding Lula, practicing nursing, pumping every 2 hours and healing.  Lula was moved to the NICU after a day of being in the TLC nursery. Her body temperature was super low, making her sleepy. She was too sleepy to eat, so her blood sugar was super low. After a day of this, the doctors decided going to the NICU was the best option.  They placed her in a warming isolate and put an IV in to give her nutrients. With in a few hours she started to act more alter and was more interested in eating. It took her a few days to be able to keep her body temperature up on her own. Once her blood sugar started to increase they took her IV out and she moved on to breast milk.  She was able to latch on great, but unfortunately my milk wasn't coming in. She would suck and suck and suck and get so worn out and end up not getting any milk from me. She would even be too tired to drink from a bottle.  They had to put a feeding tube down her nose to get her calories so her blood sugar wouldn't keep dropping.  I was still pumping like a mad women but my milk would not come in. I tired just about everything you can do. 3 different Lacation specialists. Taking pills and teas. Drinking crazy amounts of water. Doing skin to skin. It was very discouraging because Lula was such a good nurser, I just couldn't supply her with any milk. We worked on bottle feeding more, since it didn't take as much energy for her to suck the milk out. Once she started on a bottle she was able to drink higher volumes of milk which helped keep her blood sugars up. She  got her feeding tube out after 10 days in the NICU and two days after that she was able to come home. 

I continued to try to nurse, but found after nursing her on both sides she would still need a full bottle. I pumped night and day every 2-3 hours for 4 weeks and only made a half an ounce on each side. Even though this is what happened with Autumn,.. I felt a deep sadness. I felt like I was less... Like I was defective. Nursing was supposed to be a natural, beautiful thing.. but all it was, was tears, frustration and depression. I decided that it would be best to accept it like I did with Autumn and start doing 100% formula. Lula is 2 months old now and I still feel like a failure at times. However I look at Autumn and see that she turned out great on formula so Lula will too. 

Even though Lula's birth story was pretty rough, and not the plan I would like...I am thankful that things went as smooth as they did. Autumn had alot more complications and I am thankful that the Lord was able to bless me with more patience and understanding with Lula's birth.  I will never be able to experience having a baby naturally, or at home or in a tub with a mid wive and listening to soothing music.... But I am able to conceive, carry, and have children... even if it's through having c-sections. What a miracle that is. What a little miracle Lula Jane is. I am so thankful that I get to be her Momma!

Autumn's Two

Of Course I am behind on my Blog. Honestly being pregnant and chasing after a Toddler is just exhausting, and I am just lazy. I want to make sure I get all things Autumn down before this little bean arrives... Which could be anytime... So here is My list of all things Autumn as of Two years old.

Favorite Colors: Green and Yellow but loves to say the color Pink.
Favorite Foods: Avacados, Pizza, Pasta, Orange Cheese (has to be orange), Grapes, Peaches, Blueberries, frozen mangos, bananas, peanut butter and jam sandwiches.
Favorite Books: Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You? We Are Going on a Bear Hunt. Counting Colors. I'm Getting a Baby Sister.
Favorite Cartoons: Super WHY and Curious George
Favorite Animals: Ollie (Dog) But she loves all animals and thinks they should all love her back.
Favorite outdoor activity: Being pushed in her stroller and watching Ollie play fetch.
Favorite indoor activity: Coloring, puzzels and watching shows.
Favorite Parent: Daddy of course! 

Fun Facts:
She loves water. She won't drink anything except for water in a cup or sippy.
She loves to organize. She has to put the book she is reading away before she gets another one. (her doing, not mine) 
She also puts her shoes and clothes away by herself!!!
She loves to clean. If she drops anything, she immediately looks for a towel to clean it up.  She also hates to have her hands messy.
She loves to help dust, sweep, put laundry away.. basically anything I do. She gets upset if I don't let her help.
She loves to watch Sports. We don't ever watch sports at our house, but when she goes to Grandpa Juchau's they snuggle and watch sports for hours.
She is a huge flirt, and likes to say Hi to everyone, especially when we are shopping.
She loves to give hugs and kisses.
She basically puts herself down for a nap. She sleeps 12-3 almost everyday. 
She only weighs 20lbs, and wears a size 3 diaper still. 
She has to be wearing a headband. If you try to take one off of her she will cry until you put it back on! Unless it's bedtime. 

Cute things she says:
"Are you kiddin Me"
"uh Nope nope"
"Ollie,.. move puppy"
"Okay, Loooove you Nigh night"
"Ollie my buddy"
"Holy baloney"
"I love you babe"

I love this little Munchkin! I still can't believe she's 2 years old. I am loving this stage. Seeing her be independent and make her own choices is so neat. Although sometimes very hard. She is going to be such a great sister. I know she will just adore this little bean!!!

Overdue Update

Lots has been happening on the Adams front. Besides being pregnant, of course, we have had a lot more surprises come our way. First, I quit my job the beginning of October. I was working at Art City Nursing and Rehab as the Activity Director. It was a great job. I loved the residents, the staff and the location. My boss was super understanding about family matters, or emergencies that causes me to miss work. However, once I became pregnant the absences started to steadily increase. My morning sickness, AKA all day barfing while dealing with migraines, made it especially hard for me to work. I did my best for 2 months, but then my husband, boss and I decided that it just wasn't working. We decided I would try to be On-Call, and they would hire a new Rec. Therapist. Nate and I weren't happy about this, since I made about half of our income, but we couldn't figure out what else I could do with being so sick.  If you don't know, Pregnancy is seriously awful for me. I love that I can get pregnant, but my body is not cut out for it. With this understanding Nate and I decided to move forward and have me stay at home with Autumn. I would work on managing our already tiny budget and he would look for a new, higher paying job. We did LOTS of praying and visiting the Temple. I had several break downs about feeling worthless and guilty and that it was all my fault that we were struggling so bad. Even with me working full time we still didn't meet our monthly bills. We were still paying on my C-section from almost 2 years ago. Still paying on Autumn's surgeries. Still paying on our crazy high credit card bill, due to Nate losing his jobs 8 times in our 7 year marriage. Plus we had our normal everyday bills. I became so overwhelmed I started have my panic/anxiety attacks again. Which obviously is not good for the baby. Nate was very stressed as well, but kept reassuring me that it would work out. He didn't know how, but it would...and of course he was right,.... I just had to be patient,... Not my specialty. 

Nate's Grandparents live in Layton. His Grandpa grew up in the house right next to where they live now.  They paid off the property and kept it through all the years to rent to friends and family. An older couple had been living there for about 15 years, we all assumed they would be living there the rest of their lives. A few weeks ago, this couple decided to move out suddenly, leaving the house next to Nates Grandparents empty.  Nate's father called us with an interesting proposition. He knew Nate was looking for a new job, and I needed to stay home full time. He also knew that we had been wanting to rent our Condo out for quite sometime, so we could get some rental history under our belt to eventually buy another home. He suggested that we could move up to Layton... with reduced rent, and rent our Condo out.  This was quite the proposal. 

Nate and I knew we wouldn't survive another month with the income he was bringing home.  We prayed, and decided that Nate would tell his work about this opportunity in Layton. We were nervous that they would just let him go on the spot, however they surprised us and gave Nate an 6 dollar an hour raise to stay working for them.  This was very unexpected. We went through our finances to see if we could stay in Springville with the raise. We still wouldn't be able to make ends meet, but if he continued working at his job in Provo and we moved up to Layton, we would be able to pay our bills and actually put extra towards paying down our medical bills. 

We went to the Temple with some questions and recieved some answers. We decided that Nate would commute on the Front Runner from Layton to Provo.  It will be over 3 hours on the Train everyday, but Nate said he was looking forward to it. He has been wanting to catch up on some reading, watch shows, and just have time to decompress each day.  It will cause him to be away from home 13-14 hours a day, which is going to be lonely,....but we feel like it is worth it to finally get a handle on our debt.  
Its amazing how all of this happened so suddenly. Just a few weeks ago Nate and I were talking Bankruptcy, and now our prayers have been answered.  The Lord knows when to step in.  He knows that even if you think that there is no hope and that you will never make it, that there is a way. We just have to continue to be faithful. That's the Key.  Although I was so overwhelmed at times I couldn't get myself out of bed, we would still go to Church. We would still prayed and read our Scriptures. We would still visit the Temple to get answers and confirmations that we were doing everything that we could.  I am no saint by any means, at times I have felt like I have been doing all the right things, but the Lord has forgotten me. With all the trials I have gone through, I have thought, Okay... I made it through that one,...barely.... I should be good for a while..,right? But then another Trial would come barreling at me, just when I was catching my breath. I knew it was the Lord helping me be Stronger, but it  sure felt like He was picking on me. I did my best to stay faithful. I know that because I have literally dragged myself/ or had others help drag me through my trials, the Lord has given me Blessing beyond measure. I am so thankful for Him. I love my Savior with all my Heart and know that I would not make it through this life without HIM!

Baby girl update will be coming soon. 

Surprise

This was quiet unexpected, seeing that we weren't trying to get pregnant and it took us over a year to get pregnant with Autumn, but we are excited to welcome baby Adams to our family April 2015. Hopefully baby will come in April, we are at least shooting for March. Lets pray baby doesn't come in February, Yikes.

I am extremely nervous,.... obviously, since I lost my first baby at 31 weeks, then had my second baby at 33 weeks. Plus all the health challenges missy has had and her surgeries. You could say I am just a bit nervous. Plus being pregnant isn't exactly a walk in the park for me. Between the migraines, throwing up my entire pregnancy, sever depression and anxiety, constant heart burn, acne, horrible back pain, swelling, and the emotion trauma I have had, I can say with 100 percent asurity that I HATE being pregnant.I am sorry to those that it offends, but it is true.

 Of course I love that I can get pregnant, that is such an amazing gift. I love the feeling of having a baby inside me, moving around, it truly is a miracle. But that my friends is about it. So please pray for me. I wasn't planning on having another baby for a while, so the Lord must think that I am ready and strong enough. If I could have a baby without being pregnant and know that it would be health I could have 10 more today. But that's just not the way it happens.  I just hope I can keep this little one in a little longer than I did with Autumn! I really don't think I can do the NICU thing again. Besides all my worries, I am excited for Autumn to have a sibling. If baby comes on time they will be 28.5 months apart, which I think will be great! So here goes nothing!!!