Cast your votes!

Guess what....... Nate and I get to find out what gender our baby is on Friday! (well, hopefully, if baby corporates) We are soooo excited. We already have it all plan on how we are going to tell our families! Pictures and of course the revealing to come!

I am going to give you a little bit of info about this pregnancy compared to my one with Porter so you can cast your votes.

First Pregnancy (had a boy)

1. I got morning sickness bad, but when I discovered the amazing pill called Zofran at 6 weeks, I didn't have too many problems with it. 

2. Because Zofran was magic, I gained weight fast. 5lbs my first trimester.

3. I got headaches ALL THE TIME! It was rough.

4. I dreamed that I had a boy.

5. I felt like I was going to have a boy.

6. I carried really high.

7. I craved fresh fruits and veggies and In and Out. Weird combo right.

Second Pregnancy (to be determined)

1. I got and still have morning, afternoon and night sickness. Zofran isn't as magic as it once was.

2. I have only gained 2 pounds in 14.5 weeks. 

3. The headaches are alot milder. Thank heavens

4. I haven't had any dreams of baby. Just of baby girl nursery designs. (but I think that is because the nursery is already finished for if we have a boy)

5. I don't have a feeling of if it's girl or boy.

6. I am carrying lower.

7. I am still craving fruits and veggies, as well as Chips salsa. I can down a jar of salsa in two days :)

Soooo, there you go folks. Let the voting begin!!!

Hard

Today has been a hard day. I don't know why....but I am overcome with sadness and grief. I found myself holding Porter's little outfit and blanket, balled up on his nursery floor just crying. I still sit here crying holding tightly to the only things that he touched. His little preemie onesie that said "Thank heavens for little boys." It was too big for his tiny body. The blanket that we wrapped him in, with little elephants on it. Today seems to much to bear. I don't know why I feel this way now? I haven't felt this pain in months. I just know that today is hard.... and I miss my baby. I am so scared everyday that I am going to lose this little one inside of me. Sometimes the anxiety is too much. Pregnancy is definitely harder this time. The emotions are overwhelming. I am thankful that I have my Savior to carry me. I need Him everyday. I need that knowledge that I will be with my baby again, and that I will be okay. Because today, I am not okay. Hopefully tomorrow brings more comfort.

Is this your first?

It's a strange thing being pregnant when you have lost a child. Especially when people don't know you have already concieved, carried and delievered a baby, but you weren't able to take him home and care and love for him. 

I have been getting the question, "Oh is this your first" alot. It kinda throws me off. Do I really want to go into the whole Porter story with a stranger. I feel like if I say yes, then I am disregarding our beautiful angle baby. But if I say no, they then ask, "Oh how many do you have, What ages," Then the whole awkward, "We lost our first baby" remark comes up, then the awkward apology follows.

This is our second baby,.. But if we get to keep this one (fingers, toes and arms crossed) Then this will be our first living baby. So in reality I guess this is our First, Second baby (I stole that saying from a friend that is going through the same situation). There are going to be so many first when I have this baby. First time holding my living child. First time breast feeding. First time hearing the cries and sighs. So many firsts. However, I have already had so many seconds. This is my second pregnancy. Second time reading "What to expect when you are expecting". Second time deciding baby names and nursery themes. Second time taking belly pictures. Second time daydreaming of what this little one will look like, act like, be like.

This is my Second baby. But I pray and hope and plead everyday that this will be my First one to take home from the hospital and love everyday that the Lord allows me to!

My Dad's Wedding

My Papa got hitched on Friday! Here are the pictures from the Happy Day!

I am so thrilled for the two of you!