Angel mommy

I have been thinking about my angel baby alot this past week. I have been thinking about how he would be interacting with Autumn.Would he want to be rough and want to play with her... Be gentle and talk with her.  He would be 2 1/2 years old now. Wow,... seems so long ago, yet like it just happened. He would probably getting into trouble and being the cutest little toddler ever! It is crazy to think of me having two living children right now. I find it a blessing and a trial that we lost Porter. Nate and I went through some serious stretching and strengthening in our marriage. I became closer to my Savior. I mourned more than I ever had. I fought depression and anxiety. I found myself again. I figured out the kind of Mother I wanted to be. Porter changed me. He made me better. He made me more prepared for his little sister to come down. He helped me grow my patience. He helped me understand what long-suffering really means. He helped me understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and how absolutely amazing it is. He showed me that I have sorrow hidden deep down inside of me, that only a few can understand. He helped me appreciate every second of being pregnant with Autumn, although it was awful at times. He has allowed me to love Autumn with the love of 100 mothers. He helped me find other angel mommies, that have hurt as I have, and have experienced the joy of having another baby as I did.  I am thankful for his special spirit. I miss him all the time, especially now that Autumn is here. I miss the things I never got to experience with him. The touches, smiles, crys, diaper changes, late night feedings. At times I feel robbed. Robbed of the experience to be Porters mom. But then I remember that I am still his Mother. I still get to raise him. He is my angel and I know he is looking out for me and Autumn. Sometimes it seems as though Autumn is staring at nothing, but then I think... Maybe Porter is here, and she is just looking at her older brother; having alittle conversation with him. I love my two babies. What miracles they are.

Self-Worth

I have been pondering self-worth alot lately.

I compare myself to others... ALOT

I compare my clothes, my hair, skin, teeth, body, finances, schooling, house, my spirituality,... You name it.  

I don't think I do it on purpose, or that I am even aware of it most of the time.

I mostly just say little things to myself like,

Oh I should have worn a different outfit to this function, so and so looks so adorable.  

Or wow, so and so has such nice skin, lucky. 

Or wow, how did so and so get so thin after just having a baby, Why can't I lose the weight.

Or, Why is so and so able to afford to go or do x,y,z and we can't.

Or, Wow, so and so is so well versed in the scriptures,whats my problem

Or, wow, so and so is so smart, Why did I just say that dumb thing.

But you know what!.... 

I am pretty,.. Maybe not in hollywood terms, but my hubby loves me just the way I am.

I don't have clear skin, but my crazy hormones are proof that I had a baby and I am a women and yeah, oh well, thats why there is makeup.

I may not have the finances to go buy all the dream clothes I want, but at least I have be approximately the same size since I was 18, so most of my clothes still fit me.

I may not be back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but this weight shows the 8 months I was pregnant and the amazing little baby that I get the pleasure of caring for.

I may not remember all of what I learned in College, or I may not read as much as I should, But I did receive my Bachelors Degree and I get to snuggle and play with my little baby all day.

I may not be the most well versed or educated in church doctrine, But by golly do I have a testimony of My Savior and of His Gospel. I know with all my heart it is true and that I am beloved by Him!

I measure my self worth by those that I love and that love me. By my accomplishments and trials that I have overcome. And by those standards I am worth a whole lot!

3 months

As I sit here on the computer I am overcome with such amazement and joy at the little mini-me asleep in her swing. It's hard to believe she has only been apart of my life for 3 months  (and 8 months in utero). I can't imagine my life without her. Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond measure with this tiny little girl. She is such a strong girl. She has quiet the personality as well.

 

Autumn loves to have her hand out stretched at all times.

She loves to furrow her brow

 

She is getting super strong and holding her head up

 

She is on the verge of smiling...

(for real, not just sleep and gas smiles)

Oh my heart can bearly wait.

 

She has doubled in weight since birth!

 

 

She is a super star at tracking and can follow my face!

 

She loves tummy time

She loves her car seat, and always falls right to sleep

 

 

She yawns more than any baby I have ever seen

 

She Loves her Binki

(thank goodness)

 

 

She has a mom that adores her

 

And a Dad who Cherishs her

What a Blessed Family we are!